I had a bit of a tough time with some hip pain during the night. I still can’t lie on the operation-scar side for more than a few minutes. But during the night I must have rolled over onto it and I awoke with some considerable pain. I could have taken some codeine and gotten up for shite TV. Instead I tried to ride it out. Which gave time for consideration.
I have a working assumption that my residual fate for this life encompasses not a lot more than gardening, DIY and a couple of hobby blogs. There remains little more significant for me to do. What I am interested in, is not an interest shared by many. It is largely curiosity driven on my part. There is no pecuniary worth.
Reflecting back one of the drivers for me has been the question, “is this possible?”. Once I have answered this question at gist level I am usually done, satisfied. I then get a little bored until the next curiosity arrives. I am certainly more interested in looking into things rather than applying them. Once I learned how the research grant application game worked and even managed to get a few quid, it was no longer as interesting for me. I was not motivated by peer approval. Yes at one stage it was a part of my job. I did not burn with passion and drive. I did not want to be boss nor some big cheese. I did have to adopt a defensive posture of sorts. I was not interested in fame.
From time to time I have found myself in situations where others may have deemed me to have some power, positional or by association. I was not interested in exerting that power certainly in a power over sense. I did not ever want minions. I was not ambitious about career advancement and could not really be arsed to apply for promotion.
Retrospect suggests that this orientation was ill suited to societal expectations. People did compete with me for power in some situations. They appeared to want something more than I. I never really got this drive nor was I overly anxious about protecting my “position”.
I guess basically I have not felt that gut wrenching insecurity which others appear to have nor have I sought to remedy it by some kind of external verification of validation. Peer related kudos is not important to me. I don’t need a tick or a gold star from teacher.
The most enjoyable part of doing a start-up was writing the business plan and then pitching it to see if it got funded. It did. It would probably have been better to simply stop the process there. Instead a company was formed etc. The proof of principle was done. In principle it was {is} possible to dream up a business plan and get it funded. It would have saved everybody a lot of hassle if it stopped there with no money changing hands. It would not however have put dinner on the table in 50 households.
In many of my explorations I am happy when I feel that I have the gist of it. There is no need to delve deeper into detail. A rough understanding of overall gist suffices. Once I have that I get a bit bored and repetition does not enthral.
So much is driven by an initial curiosity which can be quite quickly sated. The level of curiosity these days is rather muted. Perhaps I am jaded.
I have a notion that because people are fascinated by power and maybe lack power themselves they imagine that others are power hungry. This obsession with pecking order and power drives many behaviours. It is impossible to convince people obsessed thus, that it is not a major motivator for me. There are many people who are disinterested in power, they however may be disappointed in those who wield power. Many people want so badly to be big cheeses in some arena or other…
Yup where I got to in the wee small hours was that curiosity is more of a driver for me and that gist usually suffices…
Dreamyoga 