Category: Musings

Leaving the Palace and Miscellaneous

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

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Nirmāṇakāya (Chinese: 應身; pinyin: yīngshēn; Tibetan: སྤྲུལ་སྐུ་, tulku, Wylie: sprul sku) is the third aspect of the trikāya and the physical manifestation of a Buddha in time and space.

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Nearly ten years ago I tried to explain to the anaesthetist that because of the very large amount of meditation I had done there might be some anomalies in how I responded to medication – anaesthetic. They completely ignored me and did not take me in any way seriously. A few days subsequent to the operation I had strong recall of being above the operating table watching the “vultures” around my corpse operating. On going into theatre, I was chatting about the clean room conditions of the operating theatre. The same night after ~ six hours of surgery to remove a colon cancer, I stood on my own two feet. Which freaked out the nurse in recovery.

I am pretty sure that something weird transpired during the operation and that it was not spoken about.

There is no way that a modern medical professional would countenance the notion of a nirmāṇakāya or janmanirmāṇakāya; སྐྱེ་བ་སྤྲུལ་སྐུ, skye ba sprul sku. Nor that they might be biologically different to a regular human being.

If one takes the dreaming “evidence” in this blog, then there is a hint of non-standard reincarnations plural stemming back lifetimes. It could be a Soul reincarnating or it could simply be some kind of emanation. In the latter case the emanation body or nirmāṇakāya may not clothe itself in meat in a standard way. I have not read of any different approach to the medical treatment of Tibetan tulkus. But there is a vast amount of stuff which is kept away from prying eyes. My guess is that Tibetan Vajrayana etc. is like an iceberg, with only a tiny bit showing.

The body may be similar but the “mind” very different. Tulkus may be very different to normal people though looking the same. The manifestation, the emanation, need not be that of a full buddha.

On the horizon for me are up to three more major surgeries. In 2019 they put my titanium pin into the left femoral neck/head whist under the influence of a spinal injection and some other drugs. I can remember the bone shaking pneumatic drill. They would not let me watch even though I asked. It was enough to induce PTSD…I was conscious if drugged.

It can be said or observed that I left / renounced the Imperial palace, when I walked out of my job as a senior lecturer at Imperial College in London. I was a strict vegan for a long time, close to nine years. I walked out of a relationship with a wife, a home and a very young female child. I renounced my family later. I meditated extensively away from the madding crowd. I learned science sport and martial arts. There are some of the twelve acts attributed to Siddartha.

At a very long stretch one could say I share these, have them in common.

There is a part of me that wonders if the medical approach to me needs to take other factors into consideration. This adds a little reticence to the notion of drastic orthopaedic surgery. Somehow, I need to understand better…

Hmmn..

Being Cunning Is Not Wise

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Many people like the idea of “getting one over” on someone else, of shortcuts and quick fixes. People like to win, prove themselves better and score points. The notion of a cunning plan can be found widely in media and to outsmart someone is to be aspired to. Some would get a boner or go all damp about being cunning. It has a certain air salacious to it.

Being cunning may be clever but it is not wise.

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If you think about it a little cunning has a short time scale, it is a thing of immediacy and rarely are long term wider implications taken into consideration. Cunning is about now, the current situation / problem, and little else. It has an urge for some kind of victory whether petty or otherwise.

Wisdom has longevity, duration and wider application.

Many have found that being cunning launches the karmic boomerang and can come back to bite very sharply on the arse. In the heat of the moment those enamoured with being clever and cunning never see wider implications, cunning is almost always self-centred. It can have a theme of avoidance, passing the buck and cunning rarely if ever genuinely accepts responsibility. Cunning likes to “get away with it” in a socio-political sense and does not countenance notions of karma or for that matter sin. Cunning likes to pull a fast one.

Cunning is dark and not light.

I’ll speculate that it is impossible to outsmart the universe. Those who like to be clever and enact cunning might see such a statement as naïve. They would perhaps like to outsmart me and take advantage of me, in the short term. “He is so gullible!”

Cunning seeks something for nothing, the mythological free lunch. But there is always some kind of price even it is as little as compromise or erosion of one’s moral compass, a lowering of standards.

Cunning is the thin end of a wedge.

People who like to be clever and cunning fail to see or appreciate this. One act of cunning often requires another, just as one lie is nearly always propped up by more. One can look in the ACME grimoire to learn new tricks.

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Do you think being cunning is clever?

Is cunning a notion which appeals to you?

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Life and Dreams Diverge…

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Over the last few days or so I have been getting some vivid dreams. They refer to things not at all concerned with or relating to, our current life, our physical plane reality. There is not a lot I can do with these dreams.

On the horizon at some stage as yet unspecified is a bi-lateral hip replacement operation. This may / may not offer something of a new lease of life in terms of mobility and relative absence of pain. The diffuse idiopathic skeletal hyperostosis suggests that osteophytes will grow subsequent to surgery reducing the useful life of implants. My thoracic spine will get ever more fused and perhaps extend cervical. I will become a proper stiff.

It is increasingly obvious that due to handicap and low physical capability the garden here is too big. Short of winning the lottery we need to move. The current idea is to move house before any operation because I will still be able to lift heavy stuff for the move. As things stand, and unless I get ill, I do not need to see the GP doctor until September for asthma medication which means that the French side of the orthopaedic line of inquiry is on-hold. I have a follow up for colorectal cancer next week which may require industrial grade laxative and a colonoscopy. Yippee, what fun! My ten year anniversary present.

There is no reliable physical plane evidence to deter from the disabled-enabled nanna-flat trajectory. There is nothing on this plane to suggest any use for me. There is nothing holding us here. We could legally move to UK or Ireland. We have become accustomed to Breton rain so Ireland is less of a push than it once was.

It is pretty clear to me that my lack of social viability means we need to find somewhere out of the hurly burly to some extent. Every time I interact something seems to go wrong. Something grates, people get edgy and uncomfortable.

At the moment I am getting a bit bored with the matinal pain.

The decision funnel towards proper down-sizing and retirement pinches, gets tighter. No other options are available / making an appearance. The blog and patent renewal choices must be made soon. And we have had an income tax form, strangely the tax people in France are hyper organized and mega efficient…

With the price of propane increasing and my lumberjack skills failing, the cost of running the house gets ever more prohibitive.

The end-game looks quiet. The idea of a supported retirement flat is more attractive.

I am due an appointment with a UK consultant rheumatologist soon and a short visit to Jersey will help us understand if we can hack being surrounded by anglophones and just how important Waitrose, Café Nero and Pizza Express are. I will have a better idea if there is any immuno-rheumatic cause at play in my bone–skeletal problems.

The dreams are currently significantly diverging from real physical plane life. I know on one hand that I have an unusual and eclectic set of knowledge given my orthodox science background in my earlier London incarnation. It remains an anomaly and not much more than that.

We probably need to stick the house on the market soon…

I will have to explain to the estate agents that I don’t think like other people and that I have zero desire to discuss prices until hell freezes over. I will not negotiate nor make any counter-offer, sorry. I am not sure that I will be able to get that across.

I see a glitch coming. People just don’t / won’t get it.

Anyway, it is sunny outside. The stray cats Felix and Gandalf have been fed. Felix is not looking well and we are not sure how long he will be with us. This once totally stray cat lets me pick him up on my foot! He lets me handle him and I can feel his ribs.

Madame Canard was on the pond this morning with half a dozen ducklings. Each year she raises two broods over the fence in the “swamp”. Monsieur Canard has been pacing up and down smoking, metaphorically.

The trajectory looks pretty set…life and dreams diverge.

Above My Pay Grade

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In quite a few, often intelligence / spying films, out of the USA people use the admonition “it is above your pay grade” to silence junior colleagues and prohibit their access to information. Others say “it is above my pay grade” to plead ignorance. Those on high salaries and with positional power have access to more information and things best kept away from lowly plebs which would not, could not possibly, understand. There are secrets only for the worthy, the elite etc.

I think I have inadvertently upset the applecart here, by examining the CT and MRI images, even having the temerity of printing captured images out. With one exception, our female GP, there has been a weird knee-jerk reaction to being presented with these images. Clearly it is a job demarcation problem for a non qualified pleb to impinge on the wisdom and expertise of a specialist radiographer. Oops, my bad. It is above my pay grade to download image viewing software and examine in detail images.

In France medicine is conducted in silos. A doctor asks a specific question of the radiologist in their silo. He/she replies in short coded statements to the adjacent silo. There is no need for the non specialist to examine images. It is efficient if not comprehensive.

I have had X-rays of my knees and feet done today. They look to me, at first pass OK, so we wait for the written write up which I will get before any GP appointment.

This morning, I have been looking at this Nature Comms Article

Genetics implicates overactive osteogenesis in the development of diffuse idiopathic skeletal hyperostosis

Anurag Sethi, J. Graham Ruby, Matthew A. Veras, Natalie Telis & Eugene Melamud

Nature Communications volume 14, Article number: 2644 (2023)

There are some nice graphics.

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Since I have been looking into diffuse idiopathic skeletal hyperostosis (DISH) I keep reading that the causes are not well understood. Given that it is widespread I ask the question, “why has there not been vast research in the area? It would be of enormous benefit to find a cure / assistance.”

It is a disease of old gits and nowhere near as sexy as cancer or brain surgery. There must be petabytes of images by now.

Clearly it is above my pay grade to ask such a presumptuous question of deity.

According to Nature Comms. I clearly have enhanced overactive rates of osteogenesis.

Does that mean that I get more boners than average? No.

Curiously osteoarthritis seems genetically counter-correlated with DISH. Technically I have a fair fit with the left column above.

Because I have no pay grade any more, no positional power, and no power by association it is probably best that I keep my gob shut and my nose out of the affairs of people way more important than I. I am a relatively poor, increasingly disabled socially non viable being. No way am I a big cheese in the grande fromagerie of life.

Obvs it is for the high and mighty to discuss things amongst themselves. The lofty air up there is way above my pay grade.

It does beg the question, “If you were to come visit me after your death, what would you say, what might you ask?”

“What might you expect me to say or do?”

In my opinion if I were writing a grant proposal, I might start….

DISH detrimentally impacts on the quality of life of more than 15% of the adult population therefore it is both timely and cost effective to understand better the aetiology of the disease so that early stage prophylactic interventions can be developed. Thereby enhancing both recurrent healthcare cost reduction and quality of life outcomes.

But that is above my pay grade.

The Power of a Buddha or Evolved Bodhisattva

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The image of Buddha is very widespread and one can get a statue down the garden centre or a poster to put up on the walls of your home. The vibe associated is often calm tranquillity. Never is it in battle with Mara, Māra. In the west Buddha is often seen as wholly benign and passive. Those fond of smoking joints may have a Buddha statuette or have paraphernalia which is Buddha themed. One can get a vegetarian meal called a Buddha Bowl. Back when I was a vegan and visiting Japan I used to eat “Monk’s Meals” there.

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Most of the statues have a Buddha who is not emaciated and with Thai style hair, a bit fat. Rarely is he seen as skinny. He is often depicted with a halo as might be perceived by a quasi-clairvoyant. 

It is not as weird as the blonde, blue eyed Aryan representations of Jesus who was probably semitic, Jewish, in appearance. But Buddha is often not quite as brown as he might have been in real life. He lived alfresco and would have tanned up well.

In the West people do not imagine the power, sometimes magical of a Buddha or evolved Bodhisattva. The imaginations do not extend beyond some dude sitting on a mat cross legged meditating.

“Hey man, that is Zen…”

Tibetan Buddhism is perhaps unique in representing wrathful forms of various Bodhisattvas. They do battle with evil. In Vajrayana there is black and white magic. Force sometimes needs met. There is significant power in a Buddha or evolved Bodhisattva. Power beyond normal ken.

The various canons have a list of special powers attained as a Bodhisattva proceeds along their journey to enlightenment. These supra-mundane powers are not to be found in garden centres. Scientists may quibble as to whether they are real manifestations or not.

As a teenager I was fascinated by the TV series Monkey.

“Monkey eats many of the peaches, which have taken millennia to ripen, becomes immortal and runs amok. Having earned the ire of Heaven and being beaten in a challenge by an omniscient, mighty, but benevolent, cloud-dwelling Buddha (釈迦如来, Shakanyorai), Monkey is imprisoned for 500 years under a mountain in order to learn patience.

Eventually, Monkey is released by the monk Tripitaka (三蔵法師, Sanzōhōshi), who has been tasked by the Boddhisatva Guanyin (観世音菩薩, Kanzeon Bosatsu) to undertake a pilgrimage from China to India to fetch holy scriptures (implied to be the region of Gandhāra in the song over the closing credits).”

Which is about the spread of the threefold Tripitaka to China and hence Japan. Evil tries to stop the dharma from being propagated and many adventures ensue. Here Buddhism is proactive and not passive. There is struggle.

The Buddhist canons have many stories of remarkable miracles carried out both by Siddartha and other Bodhisattvas. Padmasambhava considered a Nirmāṇakāya of Shakyamuni Buddha is attributed with magical powers and miracles. Those steeped in the tradition are less likely to scoff than your common or garden Western scientist. Vajrayana differs from East Enders or Coronation Street and markedly so. Exposure and immersion in its depths is likely to blow the minds of anyone lacking openness and fluidity.

Without direct personal experience there is no way to assess what the power of a Buddha or evolved Bodhisattva might be. Common sense suggests caution and not arrogance.

 A Buddha is not just a garden ornament, statuette or poster…

Group Control and Decision Making

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It is not unusual for groups of people to gather together and try to control what an individual outside of that group is doing. They may even have the illusion that said individual is keen or desperate to join their group as per the famous Garry Glitter song about gangs. Groups by their nature have real difficulty seeing and assimilating perspectives outside of the rarefied air of their Olympian group. We Gods know. The group may even believe that they know what is best for the “lucky” individual. Being quasi-corporate they can only see a quasi-corporate “answer” to whatever the imagined problem may be.

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They can get quite complacent if something approaching within-group consensus is found.

The problem is that they can be very mistaken and totally unaware. There is very little one can do when a group has made up its mind. Nietzsche is attributed this quotation.

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“In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

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You can decide for yourself regarding some of the “sanity” currently coming out of the USA.

Groups may consider it sound to offer the lucky person a fait accompli. Having discussed only amidst themselves they may not consider how it might wash with an individual outside. Such a thing happened with the so-called peace efforts expecting Ukraine to suck it up and be grateful. The individual is then blamed and scapegoated for not accepting the divine arrogance of group omniscience.

“That pesky pleb should count his lucky stars!! He should be very grateful!!”

This phenomenon can be found on all sides in academia, industry, business, politics and amongst the righteous “they” down the pub.

Groups do not always make the best and most inclusive decisions because they cannot see outside their own Venn diagram walls. A collection of frogs at the bottom of a well, even though it may agree amongst itself, has not seen a pacific sunset nor has it gone on a silent retreat in the mountains for three years. It might imagine itself more knowledgeable and experienced than it actually is.

Groups with corporate mind always want to deal with other groups in which the socio-political hierarchy is known. They are obsessed with hierarchy and group positions. They struggle with even the notion of a non-affiliated individual. Group to group interaction can be even less inclusive. There are often power struggles and a great deal of negotiation. It is so often about power and preservation of status quo. It is about control.

The object of negotiation can be totally unaware of the blessings, he/she is about to receive.

People are people and the tendency is to do the same shit over and over.

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Living Buddha – Life Trajectories

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Following the “Tibet” line of inquiry yesterday I looked for various films about finding tulku reincarnations. We have seen, Little Buddha, Kundun about the Dalai Lama and Tulku by Gesar Mukpo. Each of which had tremendous, guttural, impact on me. I found “Living Buddha” by Clemens Kuby about the search for and enthronement of the 17th Gyalwa Karmapa head of the Kagyu lineage inter alia. Here is the trailer.

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In this film the 16th leaves clues as to where to find his reincarnation which is supported by a dream of the Dalai Lama. A party is sent to search and after a ~ ten day trek into deepest darkest Eastern Tibet the son of nomadic famer living in fairly primitive conditions embedded deep in nature is located. The lives of that young man and his family are changed forever. The life trajectory of nomadic existence is replaced by a high lama throne, a famous black hat and being thrust onto the stage of global geo-politics.

In principle, the long Karmapa lineage is of quasi-divine reincarnate awakened beings capable of non-human feats such as wide ranging clairvoyance bordering on a mundane omniscience. They return for the benefit of all sentient beings. Padmasambhava, Guru Rinpoche, prophesises that there will be 21 such incarnations. These beings are held in very high esteem in Tibet, among the diaspora and with followers of Tibetan variety Buddhism.

This film is documentary evidence of how a life trajectory can alter radically and suddenly when viewed from the mundane familial life. It also suggests that the intended trajectory did not in fact change, it simply worked out “as planned”. It was just a matter of time.

Over a decade ago I had a number of dreams suggesting that I would meet the 17th one day.

Our current life trajectory is looking like, maybe, a move back to Wales. It includes the purchase of a disabled enabled bungalow in sensible proximity to a major, preferably university, hospital and with a low price tag. I found a bungalow on Right Move yesterday which apart from distance to hospital looked good. Such a place does therefore exist.

Unless something weird is happening whereby this blog is monitored in some way and thereby has a wider audience. What I write here has a very small readership and is a tiny little ripple in a corner of the vast internet. It is therefore unknown and unheard of. Only the wife, the cat(s) and I have experienced its entirety.

Subsequent and during the film last night, I had strong visual images of the 17th and a few of Akong Rinpoche. It is pretty weird and I had not had any weed, nor had a mushroom omelette.

In “Little Buddha” they are searching for the reincarnation of Lama Dorje. One of the crew has a dream of him in jeans standing near to an architect designed house under construction

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They, the Buddhists, start to stalk the family and impinge on their lives. The maths teacher mother is greeted by the mathematical astrologer at the school fence.

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The higher lama looking for his teacher then tips up in Seattle with entourage and takes the boy back to Bhutan for assessing. Along the way they encounter two more emanations of the reincarnated teacher making three.

Three Vajras – Speech, Body and Mind.

Our house is architect designed.

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We are currently waiting for our large pond to be filled with pink lotus flowers and our house is characterised by emptiness.

We have no idea if any Tibetans geezers are having dreams or visions about us/me.

If one day a Tibetan monk seeker / stalker tipped up, our lives could change and radically so. The trajectory, viewed from one angle would be knocked for six.

The odds of this happening are probably better than for a EuroMillions win which would also alter life trajectory, but perhaps not so substantially.

If I had to switch jeans / combat trousers for robes, that could freak people who may have met me, out.

The family joke is I was aiming for Bhutan but saw the flag of Wales with the dragon and reincarnated in Cardiff by accident…

Cymru am byth…

Is It Me? – Introversion

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Over the last few weeks, I have been interacting with the medical profession. It has raised a not uncommon question for me. One which had me investigating an Autism diagnosis a decade ago. The question is:

Is it me? Am I too unfiltered, direct and accurate or are people insecure, precious, pompous and defensive? Am I not full enough with bullshit and braggadocio? Do I fail to play the itchy back dog sniffing arses game well enough? Must I always wear a mask in order not to freak people out?

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It seems to me that I unnerve people. I dial back several orders of magnitude already when I interact. It seems the only answer to not causing angst and a feeling of being unsettled is not to interact at all.  To keep my gob shut and wherever possible keep out of public circulation. In general, I have a worse reaction from “men” than from women.

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Am I simply not socially viable in the common socio-political illusion / context. Am I just too weird and feral.

Is it me? Am I the problem?

Maybe I Was an Alpaca?

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This morning’s dream points {again} to some kind of Tibetan incarnation, perhaps some lama-dude. I have long held this possibility at arm’s length because I have had no waking memory of such a thing. The dream indicates a time stamp roughly of 1960 when things were bad in Tibet and a number of lamas left. We hear about the ones who made it. We don’t hear about the ones who did not.

They may have been vulture food.

I did once go to a dzong in London and had an “empowerment” by Tulku Akong Rinpoche. A lama who along with Chögyam Trungpa escaped from Tibet during the Chinese excess.

I have often wondered why no waking recall. The only answer I came up with is that life as a monk is so very boring that there is little to remember, no outstanding dramatic events. Tedium, day after day routine.

If the dream points at a very recent incarnation, then that hints at something like a tulku incarnation, where one life follows quickly.

That does not really impinge on the current health problems and search for a nanna-flat. In a sense it is little more than a phenomenological possibility when viewed from life circumstance. I do not see nor feel that there is much / anything left for me to do.

I have hypothesised that there have been many failures, way more than “successes”. We only hear of the latter because it is they who have ongoing wider significance. In a way quiet failure fertilizes the ground for success.

I am at something of an impasse on the health front and cannot currently see any further steps. There is nothing urgent and I can tolerate the pain and lack of sleep. We need to move house before even thinking about any operation. It is not a complicated equation, for now.

I am currently where I am not seeing medical intervention as something positive and healing. It seems like a necessary thing and to be endured even. It does not fill me with hope for an easier existence.

Do I have to? Well maybe it is sensible.

Who knows what if any dreams will follow tonight…

DISH What Next – Prognosis Not Good

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As Toyah might say, “It’s a mystery”. If you read a review article from 2023 claiming that something is unclear in journalistic language understatement, it is clear that they do not know why Diffuse Idiopathic Skeletal Hyperostosis occurs nor how come. There are correlated but not proven causative factors.

They could call it “strange bony growth disease we don’t understand” but that would impinge on the sacred deity of jargon.

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idiopathic

adjective

1: arising spontaneously or from an obscure or unknown cause

2: peculiar to the individual

An idiopathic disease is any disease with an unknown cause or mechanism of apparent spontaneous origin.

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Eshed, I.

Imaging Characteristics of Diffuse Idiopathic Skeletal Hyperostosis: More Than Just Spinal Bony Bridges.

Diagnostics 2023, 13, 563.

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https://doi.org/10.3390/diagnostics13030563

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“The body of knowledge regarding imaging characteristics has grown over the last decade. The current Resnick and Niwayama criteria for DISH correspond to an endstage diagnosis of the disease, in which the spine is already ankylosed. A newer set of classification criteria is warranted for diagnosis in an earlier, pre-ankylotic stage of the disease.

The pathogenesis underlying this disease is still unclear, and although it is thought to be a degenerative disease, it has been suggested that similarities to SpA may imply an inflammatory basis. Imaging studies further characterizing the disease may potentially aid in deciphering the currently obscure pathogenesis of DISH.”

SpA is spondylarthritis or ankylosing spondylitis

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I would have to place myself in the advanced stages given what I have read.

The physiotherapist today said that the prognosis for me is not good. The bony growths will probably grow and I will get more and more rigid and unable to bend. Because of the rigid spine I will increasingly be at risk of spinal fracture. The rigid part is long.

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The “rigid” part of the lever may snap.

If the DISH spreads to my cervical spine there are risks associated with oral intubation causing cervical spine fracture. It makes general anaesthesia slightly riskier.

Hip replacements are more likely to suffer prompt bony over growth. This means that they would probably last less long before failure.

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“Heterotopic ossification is a common complication following total hip arthroplasty in patients with DISH, occurring in 30% to 56% of cases. In contrast, patients without DISH in the cited studies had a much lower rate of heterotopic ossification, ranging from 10% to 22%.”

Prognosis

The prognosis of DISH varies based on the severity of the condition and the symptoms experienced by the individual. While DISH is a progressive disorder, it typically advances slowly. Most individuals can manage their symptoms with conservative treatments, such as physical therapy, pain management, and maintaining an active lifestyle to preserve range of motion. However, in some cases, DISH can lead to significant complications, including severe spinal stiffness, nerve compression, and difficulties with swallowing or breathing if calcification extends to the cervical or thoracic regions.

Rarely, surgical intervention may be necessary to relieve compression or correct severe deformities. Overall, while DISH can affect quality of life, especially in advanced stages, it is not typically life-threatening. With proper management, many patients are able to maintain a functional level of mobility.

Luo TD, Varacallo MA. Diffuse Idiopathic Skeletal Hyperostosis. [Updated 2025 Jan 10]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2025 Jan-.

Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK538204/

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There are other knock on effects, bony growths in weird places including aorta and heels.

I may get have to get used to the terms ossification and calcification. A brief inspection of the internet struggles to find much on severe DISH. It seems taboo or just not click worthy. My CT images look top end advanced.

I have not yet had a formal diagnosis. I have learned that this might make me a DISHie and that there are support groups on line. They say that it can take ages, years, to get diagnosed and that most have co-morbidities, one of which is often ankylosing spondylitis.

I might, in due course, become a lab rat and a participant in the on line groups.

My days dancing at the Bolshoi had to end sooner or later…