Well, That Was a Waste of Time

This morning, we got out of bed early, having set an alarm. We drove for 40 minutes for an appointment with an orthopaedic spine surgeon. We paid €90 before we even went in for a consultation. Pay first…

The hip surgeon had prescribed an MRI to check if there was a spinal problem. The results had been sent to the spine surgeon. The hip guy had intimated that there may be a back problem.

The hip man sent us to the spine man.

I saw the MRI image on screen. I have yet to see the full results or the write -up. The spine surgeon said that there was not a lumbar problem and said to go back to the hip surgeon. My hips are causing my back pain according to him. He was disinterested in the huge bony growth on my thoracic spine. A few minutes later we were back in the car with a chit to send back to the health people to claim for a part of the €90 fee. We drove 40 minutes back.

The spine man said go back and see the hip man for your operations, if you want.

There was absolutely no need for a face to face based on that experience. I knew there was no neuropathy. We may get a referral to a rheumatologist. It seems so inefficient.

Back to square one methinks.

I don’t know if I am being pig headed, if there is some huge cultural mismatch or what. This yo-yo stuff is doing nothing for my confidence. Pass the hot potato…

I really don’t appreciate being dismissed and told there is nothing we can do. I already knew this but it is not exactly good bedside manner. I found out two days ago…about the bony growth.

I can see this all going badly tits up…

In the past I have seen this kind of thing and there is nothing you can do; it just has to play out…

What must be, must be.

Well, that was a waste of time.

And They Said I Was Stiff – 3d Visualisation

I have been playing with the 3D CT data visualisation software…

It looks as though I have a boney growth throughout my thoracic spine.

Strangely it is mosty one sided. It is the white material in the centre.

It is not a pretty thing to observe for one’s own spine.

The length view looks like this.

It seems that my vertebrae are fused together.

It looks like my aim to dance lead for the Bolshoi will have to be put on hold…

Game Changer – Lung CT Scan

It is a nice sunny day and before lunch you download the CT scan results from yesterday. There is no commentary.

You open them up in a data viewer and you see an anomaly.

You do not need to work for SpaceX, NASA or ESA, in the rocket propulsion department, to note that something is wrong here.

You can see that the anomaly presses into the lungs on the left hand centre side of the image.

And that the joins with the ribs are also a bit off having downloaded a free trial of a medical data visualiser.

Quickly you come to the conclusion that whatever it is/was you thought you might have been doing is now wrong.

The game has changed.

In my crystal ball I see more medical appointments, scans and probably a biopsy…

The Beep-Beep Toad – Alytes Obstetricans

Over the last few weeks, we have been playing a nocturnal game called “what is that sound?”. Around 11 pm when all else is quiet and dark we hear a quasi-electronic sounding beep spaced at ~4 second intervals.

It gets so that you wait for the next beep!

It is tad irritating when you are nodding off.

So, I have variously stopped the voltage getting to the external lights, the supply voltage to the LNB detector on the satellite dish, and the electrical volets. None of which made any difference. The beep-beep is not here during the day. Only at night. Electrical causes are ruled out.

Last night it sounded like it was coming from the rose garden. I went out to explore wondering if I would discover some hidden electronic device. No. It went quiet when I approached.

Having spent time in Zambia and Queensland I am more accustomed to weird frog noises.

A Google search this morning revealed The Common Midwife Toad!!

This now adds to our wildlife tally with the two fire salamanders in the basement {vide sanitaire}. The slow worms are due to start leaving hibernation soon. Then we will have the grass snakes, some of which swim on the pond.

I don’t know if knowing it is a toad will make it easier to sleep. There is no electronic catastrophe pending.

We shall see….

Dreaming – I Don’t Mind What Happens

One can find Jiddu Krishnamurti quoted as saying that his secret is that he does not mind what happens. This implies a lack of any goal orientation, preferred outcome, expectation or attachment. He may have omitted, “I do not mind what happens to me.” If one lives in the eternal now there is no concern for past or future, simply moment. One is not chained by the manacles of “what if” or of “if only.” There is a confidence that one can handle everything which life and the universe offers, free of prejudice. Even if that seems unpleasant and challenging. One is confident in ability to improvise and cope.

I have talked about my medical conditions here, which would be rather dramatic for many. It is just a fact of life for me. OMG spinal surgery may be involved… He has seen a brain surgeon and is getting a cancer check up in May….

There is not too much drama in my mind. The pain can be a tad boring. I don’t think there is an exact translation into French. Monotonous is probably close but does not have the nuance.

I am not worried about what if anything happens to whatever it is that I may or may not know. The thought forms exist now and could be accessed in the web of life in due course. If and when the time is due. I don’t currently see a use for me. I am surplus.

The dreaming takes time, decades sometimes.

I have had the first hint, in the dream this morning, that the time in France maybe drawing to a close. There has not been much for me here. The French are not very pro-active. I am in no way integrated. There will be no significant material plane impact should I leave. Only the medics and the checkout ladies will notice.

I have a few more medical appointments programmed. Then, soon, it will be the big summer holidays. Unless the colonoscopy shows anything sinister, that will probably be it until the Autumn. I will get my asthma medication renewed in July. I am not anticipating any solution, any diagnosis and treatment that will result in significant alleviation of symptoms. It looks to me that I dotting and T crossing data collection is occurring.

Following on from the dream we have been looking at on-line estate agents again. Affordability coupled with relative southerly locations limits us to probably South and West Wales in the UK. The property situation in France remains constipated. We need proximity and communications to university grade hospitals.

The problem is that the world is swirling. The web of life has been whacked unnecessarily by orange-boi.  The Nikkei and the Hang Seng could tank further in a few short hours. This is a factor which is against any house moving.

A house move is the dreaming symbol for adopting a new view of the world. Here it is expansive, it has gotten too big. Perhaps the need is simply to shrink and consolidate.

We shall see what the dreaming suggests. It will influence our decisions significantly. The dreaming will show us the way.

I don’t mind what happens – the dreams will suffice.

Summer Job and Patent Decision

I saw a summer job advertised for someone to help do tours of the local distillery. They wanted a trilingual person for two months over summer. Seems a bit of an ask…They are probably not all that common.

I have said hi and that I am interested. The demographic who might visit a distillery are probably not rabid smart ‘phone users or teeny gamers. There may even be the odd grey hair. Having said that, I am probably compatible. I have offered to help with the “franglais” translation into English for the web site. I could be DR X who gives the tour.

I’ll not hold my breath for a reply.

The quantum optics patent comes up for renewal in May. I have to decide if it is worth another ~£150 to keep it live. I could simply let it expire, fadeaway. I can’t really see a way of taking it forward to any kind of commercialisation.

I have had my MRI yesterday. Hopefully they can get the results to the spine surgeon for the appointment next week. Otherwise, there will be an iteration. Getting an appointment with a rheumatologist here is not facile. I need a referral. I am 90% convinced that there is some immune implication in my joint pains. It is not well received to suggest to an “expert” that they may have overlooked something. We may have to let them do their round(s) or inquiries before we get any meaningful traction. People have processes which you cannot always accelerate.

Failing that I could do a Zoom consultation with some private Harley Street type geezer in London for a few hundred quid. I have imagery which I could send electronically.

I’ll will be surprised if there is no immune component. When you put your arse in an MRI scanner you do not know what if anything they will find. There is an entirely new branch of medicine based upon instrumentation and not symptoms.

You never know what is around the corner.

For some reason over the last day or so people from my undergraduate degree course have been popping into consciousness. I did briefly touch base on LinkedIn and then deleted my account, disappeared back into the aether.

The whole house move situation has been given added uncertainly thanks to Uncle Donny and his game-show tariff board. He missed his vocation as a corny game show host. The scores on the doors…

We will visit Jersey just to see how being surrounded by people speaking English feels. It will add a feeling to the variables. The bank in Paris want to touch base. Last year I asked about a bridging loan. We shall see what he wants / advises.

It is sunny here today…time to feed the stray cats soon…

CT scan of my lungs on Monday…looking for the evolution of COPD and possibly some kind of fungal aspergillus feature? Farmer’s lung would be another factor in the must move house equation.

I wonder how many people are sighing at the folly inflicted upon the world from the USA…It is a bit sad really…so unnecessary.

Is the great USA afraid of fair competition? Perhaps it needs to fill cauldrons with boiling oil and man the ramparts of fortress USA.

Make America Paranoid Again…

A Trumpian Sixth Ray Jihad?

The personality ray of the USA is the outgoing sixth ray of Idealism-Devotion. It is the ray par excellence of separation and of division. It is the cleaver of US and THEM, the axe of wounding. The single pointed dogmatic conviction that its own view “vision” {I use this term ironically} is the only correct one and anyone who critiques is an enemy to be destroyed. It is the view of a horse with blinkers who only sees one thing and chants only one mantram.

And so, it has begun…tariffs – import duty.

A tax payable by any American purchasing any goods from outside. It is not a tax cut!!

The weird thing is that in no way was this action needed or necessary.

If it all stems from “we are big and rich and they make people pay taxes on our products, it is not fair!!” Then that is a bit of a victim mentality. What sort of modern powerful democracy charges punitive tariffs against Lesotho FFS? It is certainly not a magnanimous or humanitarian one.

To use power wisely and for the benefit of all humanity is not a skill which is easily acquired.

Where things go from here, who can say. It looks like we are not now moving house anytime soon!!

“Gee thanks Donald.”

Have a look below and see if the narration of the sixth ray matches the behaviour of the USA…have look at the vices and work to be done.

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The Sixth Purpose of Deity
Ray VI. Devotion or Idealism

This ray, which is just going out of manifestation, is of vital interest to us, for it has set its mark upon our western civilization in a more definite way than any of the others. It is for us the most familiar and the best known of the rays. The mantram which defines its purpose is unlike the others and might be expressed somewhat as follows:

The Crusade is on. The warriors march upon their way. They crush and kill all that impedes their way, and aught that rises on their onward path is trampled under foot. March towards the light.

The work goes forward. The workers veil their eyes from pity as from fear. The work is all that counts. The form must disappear so that the loving spirit may enter into rest. Naught must arrest the progress of the workers with the plan. They enter upon the work assigned with paean and with song.

The cross is reared on high; the form is laid thereon, and on that cross must render up its life. Each builds a cross which forms the cross. They mount upon the cross.

Through war, through work, through pain and toil, the purpose is achieved. Thus saith the symbol.

It will be noted how this purpose, when applied by man to himself, works his release. When applied by man to man, it has produced the corrupt and awful story of man’s cruelty to man.

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The Sixth Ray of Devotion

  • Special Virtues:
    Devotion, single-mindedness, love, tenderness, intuition, loyalty, reverence.
  • Vices of Ray:
    Selfish and jealous love, over-leaning on others, partiality, self-deception, sectarianism, superstition, prejudice, over-rapid conclusions, fiery anger.
  • Virtues to be acquired:
    Strength, self-sacrifice, purity, truth, tolerance, serenity, balance and common sense.

This is called the ray of devotion. The man who is on this ray is full of religious instincts and impulses, and of intense personal feeling; nothing is taken equably. Everything, in his eyes, is either perfect or intolerable; his friends are angels, his enemies are very much the reverse; his view, in both cases, is formed not on the intrinsic merits of either class, but on the way the persons appeal to him, or on the sympathy or lack of sympathy which they shew to his favorite idols, whether these be concrete or abstract, for he is full of devotion, it may be to a person, or it may be to a cause.

He must always have a “personal God,” an incarnation of Deity to adore. The best type of this ray makes the saint, the worst type, the bigot or fanatic, the typical martyr or the typical inquisitor. All religious wars or crusades have originated from sixth ray fanaticism. The man on this ray is often of gentle nature, but he can always flame into fury and fiery wrath. He will lay down his life for the objects of his devotion or reverence, but he will not lift a finger to help those outside of his immediate sympathies. As a soldier, he hates fighting but often when roused in battle fights like one possessed. He is never a great statesman nor a good business man, but he may be a great preacher or orator.

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Excerpted from “Esoteric Psychology I” by Alice Bailey and Djwhal Kuhl

Evil and Exorcism – Quantum Exorcism

Last night we watched the film “The Rite” starring Anthony Hopkins {even though he was not the main character}. In the film a young man, reluctantly training to be a priest, encounters the phenomenon of exorcism via the seasoned exorcist Hopkins, and the trainee ultimately performs his first full blown exorcism of a demon which identifies as Baal which had possessed Hopkins. There was not much in the way of special effects and it was not a CGI tour de force. I suspect with Hopkins it could be done as a radio play, like Under Milkwood. The human mind could conjure some scary stuff, in the wee small hours. His voice is evocative.

Needless to say, there were a few noises in the {our} house here during and after the film. These could have been demons but were most probably the stray cats. Notably stray cats also featured in the film.

The crux of the film, in the denouement, is that the trainee exorcist priest accepts the reality of the devil the demon which by “quantum entanglement” proves the reality of God. One implies the other. Once the protagonist has acknowledged both he can call, now in full faith, on God to evict the demonic tenant.

Developing this tenuous theme further, good and evil exist as a quantum superposition state in each of us. It is by our actions that we resolve the superposition state and are then either mostly evil in orientation or mostly good. Schrödinger’s cat is either a bad feline or a good one. We look, we test, we observe and the good/evil wavefunction is resolved.

A residue of good exists {perhaps} in an evil person and vice versa. Nobody exists as a 100% pure good eigenstate; nobody is 100% impure evil. The coefficients can very over time.

If we do not believe in good or evil the wavefunction {and the cat} do not and cannot exist.

I’ll postulate that the best trick evil has ever managed is to render the entire subject or evil largely taboo in modern society. Few say that some of the alleged content of “Only Fans” is wicked or evil. We could say humanity has been hoodwinked to lower our standards.

Evil has done a “good job”, a phrase that certain American political figures are keen on.

The film suggests that modern psychological intervention may help those “possessed”. It does not mention some of the barbaric horrors which the psyche-profession has enacted over the decades and centuries upon the so-called insane. Bad things have been done in the name of “science” as well as in the name of “religion”.

This crux of accepting, acknowledging without drama perhaps, the notion and influence of evil is a game changer. Whilst one imagines that evil does not exist, one is free to indulge in self-centred and gratuitous pass times. The norm is never questioned and the evil “demon-adviser” on the shoulder says “go on, everyone is doing it. You would not want to miss out, would you?”

A little more clarity, where one sniffs the sulphur in the air and notes, if only as a hypothesis, evil; can change orientation. This, if only for as long as it takes to succumb to temptation. Noting might be seen as a first step in acknowledging the influence of evil.

The film suggests that the “demon” “evil” had been stalking the trainee from his young days as a child, subsequent to the death of his mother in the Adams Family profession of undertaker.

Temptation need not be entirely salacious. It can be as simple as taking a short cut, cutting corners, being economical with the truth, bullshitting. The notion of getting something for free or at a reduced price is a cornerstone of temptation. Talking bad of, belittling, slagging off; are not exactly luminous beacons.

I’ll wager that no human being alive has never succumbed to some temptation or other.

One could say that some, in lust for power, turn to the dark side. The coefficient of the evil wavefunction is higher. The superposition is skewed to darkness and not light.

If one has largely succumbed to evil then there is little hope of redemption by self. The habit has become entrenched. One needs external assistance to exorcise the evil or re-balance the quantum superposition.

Hence one needs a Hermit-like quantum operator {exorcist} to act upon the evil-good superposition state to change it from one state to another. To lift it up from the low point and to address the uncertainty as to whether good and evil are actually real world things. To rebalance.

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What is your g/e probability?

Are you largely Good or largely Evil?

Are these two variables coupled?

If we are certain in one what limit does that put on the other?

Are you sure?

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Hiatus and Nanna Houses

This morning it is spring. The sun is shining, all the cats are happy and the two male ducks were swimming on the pond. It is quiet here.

Looking at the pond I was reminded of the annual clearance work which makes it a blank canvas for spring. It is clear, sooner or later I am not going to be able to do this. I thought to myself “was that winter longer than usual?” We are immersed in nature. Maybe now I could consider warmer climes.

We will need to downsize possibly to a house that is convenient for my (our) increasing disability. It is a when question. At the moment there is a brief hiatus in the medical appointments. I am due an MRI on Friday for my sacral/lumbar spine and a lung CT on the following Monday. We know there are antibodies to fungi in my blood. The CT scan will see if I have a colony in my petri dish lungs. If so, I will be on some antifungal or other, something ending in “ole”. My guess is that the pain levels are not sufficiently elevated yet to warrant any kind of operation. I don’t anticipate that anything can be done for me, anytime soon. I can self-medicate in the meantime.

I have had a look close to “parc y scarlets” for bungalows.  At first pass it looks feasible to get a property either disabled ready or easy to adapt, close to the South Wales university hospitals. Provisional feasibility is established.

There is a weird sense of waiting for something. Don’t know what. There is nothing pressing / urgent our end. There is a sense of need for change. It is not huge yet. It is a hint which may get larger or fade.

I think the world and humanity are lost. There is no sense of communal direction. The initiatives to ease climate change seem dead in the water, thanks to our cousins the other side of the Atlantic.  We must wait for genuine catastrophe before we, as a species, can be arsed to act. Which kind of puts an altitude recommendation on choice of nanna house, it must be 50 metres above sea level.

Every time I have contacted the outside world it has inevitably fizzled out and gone no-where. There is a lesson herein. The take home message is that I am by and large done. People are busy with what is important and pressing for them. Even if that is pissing about in social media. I have cast a fly and there are no takers.

At one level I suspect that some have unfinished karma. On another I know that there is no chance they are ready to even begin to face that “reality”. To me it does not matter if I am right or wrong.

Shit happens and then you die…

The blog is up for renewal soon. I could cancel it, bin it and erase various temporary email addresses, to make some “space” to see if anything new comes in.

Since we got fibre broad band, we now have a “fixed” line telephone. The other day it rang. We had no idea what the sound was. We looked at each other. It turns out it was Orange calling suggesting that we update out on-line answering service. Why? So far, I have made two calls to HSBC customer service, possibly in Bombay via UK. Nobody has the number…

Yeah it is quiet today… soon the witching hour lunch traffic might begin.

I will be making a batch of Teriyaki marinade this afternoon and doing some long overdue pruning…

The right to stay in France expires in under a year…need to keep an eye on that ball…

The Tendency to Underestimate

This tendency can be followed by overreaction and disproportionate over reaction at that. One might point at Pearl Harbour, 9/11 and the recent Hamas attacks. There was underestimation prior in each case. If something catches people unawares it is an act of terrorism if “they”, do it, or an act of cunning if “we”, do it. Placing thousands of indiscriminate pager bombs in Lebanon to maim and kill Hezbollah was “clever” and in no way terrorism… “Terrorism” depends upon which side you are on. The “allies” firebombed Dresden, hardly an altruistic act.

People, countries, who are prone to arrogance tend to underestimate others. I’ll speculate that Trump has made a miscalculation concerning how people feel concerning the USA and his actions in particular. We shall see.

It is possible that people have underestimated me or that they have overestimated me or that they have judged me spot on. I have perceived that from time to time I have surprised people. I have done things which they did not see coming. I may be mistaken. If they had me sussed, they would have foreseen.

The problem with words like underestimate is that they are linked to competition, winning and even conflict. “Never underestimate your opponent”. The estimation is tied up in an oppositional scenario, there is a presupposition, a desire for victory.

When I was a younger man, I thought I knew a lot more than I actually did. I was full of bullshit and prone to evangelising about science, thermodynamics and veganism. I have hindsight now. But back in the thrall then, I was certain and dogmatic. People in the thrall lack a wider awareness. They do not know what is beyond their ken and may be arrogant and conceited about their self-diagnosed omniscience.

Not so long ago someone “told” me some things about Castaneda and that The Guardians do not exist. He was adamant. As usual I was direly in need of education. People have told me many things. I’ll estimate that in general I get told way more than I am asked. The assumption is perhaps that because I am not a soap-boxing gobshite, I know little or nothing. I do not feel the urge to show off.

I could say that I know no-thing but nobody would understand what I mean by that statement nor get the experience behind it. They would not think to ask what I mean. They might tell me.

People can be markedly unaware as to the extent of what is unknown for them and yet feel entitled to opine thereupon.

I have mentioned the blue books opus in this blog. There may be those that think it to be made up hippy shit. If the contents are real and even quasi-factual then it would be unwise to underestimate the so-called hierarchy, those others call The Guardians of the Race. The Tibetan suggests they differ markedly from Joe Bloggs buying a steak slice at Greggs and from those having a BYOB works event at 10 Downing Street.

People can pooh-pooh out of arrogance and that can be a miscalculation. There is a tendency to pooh-pooh as a knee jerk reaction which may stem from a sense of entitled complacency.

The Tibetan mentions masters as having taken the fifth initiation, this means that even after they become a nirvani there is work to do. If you have never met a putative awakened Buddha, it might be wise not to slag them off, if only on the off chance that they are real.  It might be good to spread your bets.

But of course, those who are fond of the sound of their own voices, when they find themselves in a bit of a hole, tend to keep on digging. They may be unaware because of their underestimation that they have indeed fallen into a hole, a trap of their own making. Even when someone hands them a spade or a shovel, they may not cotton on to the hole hypothesis. Dig baby dig.

This tendency to underestimate is widespread. It pertains a little to an arrogant sense of entitlement.

“Mr Ghandhi, India is British my good man…”

I have never met a “know-it-all” who actually does.

Perhaps one day if people keep telling me what I am, what I know, what I am thinking, what my motivations are and who I am, I will learn.

Then they will be right…

And I can finally sleep soundly…