Category: Musings

Dream Graphs and a New Resident

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

I have been continuing with looking into my dreams. I was of the habit of only typing up dreams which I deemed significant. There were many others dealing with the detritus of relationships, a part of a phase.

The first graph is UK based.

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In 2007 I ceremonially burned all my journals 1999-2007.

In 2009 and 2010 I was very intensely meditating and going through what might be euphemisticallly called “changes”.

In 2015 I had stage three colon cancer, which was operated on in the summer.

End of 2018 we bought the house in Brittany partially to get away from all the endless Brexit bollocks in the UK media. We moved here in January 2019.

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I have already had 15 dreams in January 2025 !!

This fire slamander has been in our Vide Sanitaire for the last week or so. Looks like we have a new resident!

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He arrived not longer after I had the dream with the fire dragon in. 😉

Can Reality Be Difficult to Accept?

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

I’ll speculate that many people have expectations about how things should be and how they ought to turn out. They may have difficulty when observable realities differ from those expectations. The facts, so to speak, can be difficult to accept.

We live here on a small pension, in a quasi-hermit like manner. There is very little social interaction. The wife speaks to some friends by Zoom. This morning, I unblocked the sewage system for around the tenth time. Tomorrow I am going to have some X-ray images of pelvis and hips taken to see how far they have deteriorated since last time. I doubt they will operate yet because French logic says that my life expectancy is something like another 20 years. Personally, I can’t see myself living that long, I could be wrong.

Yup I have some pretty far-out dreams and occasionally read some science and muse on it. That is the sum total of measurable objective reality. We will probably not leave our department any-time soon. We have mooted a short trip to Jersey to go to Pizza Express and Waitrose. We have not left Brittany for six years now, aside from a short week house hunting in Loire. I have not been on a plane since Autumn 2018.

The likelihood of me being in New Zealand as per this morning’s dream is vanishingly small, we could not afford it. There is no way that I would get an invite to a conference.

I have not spoken to anyone from my last employer for 17 years, yet from time to time they / it pop up in my dreams. I can speculate why. But in honesty I have no real reliable idea. Maybe this trajectory should not have happened, it ought to be different, only it isn’t. It is irreversible.

I get Buddhist themes in dreams but I am not in contact with any Buddhists nor do I pertain to a Sangha.

Unless something totally untoward happens, we shall pootle on here, doing a bit of gardening weather and health permitting. The visit to Jersey will advise on how we cope being surrounded by English. The game plan to down size is a chronic not acute one.

My dreams point at people finding this observable reality difficulty to accept.

It is not complicated. Perhaps that is the problem, it is just too simple for people to get their head around.

In 2023 and 2024 I had 70 typed up dreams making 140 in total

So far in January 2025 I have had 15 dreams which is a steep increase in rate. I have zero idea about where if anywhere it is going.

We shall see if the rate continues…

Is my dreaming a way of me escaping from my observable reality?

I don’t think so…

Hmnn…

Where Did the Singularity Come From?

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

Following on from this morning’s dream I have been reading around cosmogenesis from an exoteric scientific viewpoint including a few articles on quantum loop gravity. It seems to me there are some whopping great gaps. Many of the schema talk of an initial singularity so dense that space-time as we know it in a corporeal and planetary sense was yet to come into being. But a singularity does have a Cartesian dimension of 1, a point. I am not sure a point, a thing, can exist without a no-thing a void.

So, already at singularity you have thing and no-thing.

Where did that singularity stem from? Was if from multiple quantum fluctuations in the true void. Where creation and annihilation operators act on the vacuum to spark particles in and out of matter. There would have to be a lot of fluctuations to create a massive gravitational singularity.

What is the void?

Does it have edges where stuff begins?

Is the void infinite?

If there is no-thing then finite has no meaning, so yes it could be infinite. Inherent here is a trap of dimension. How does the void where there is no-thing go on for ever. Dimension in absence of thing does not exist. A dimensionless void? Is that simply a human conceptual problem where we cannot conceive scale without matter, without stuff?

Some of the articles suggest that space is greater than the current evolving universe and that the matter of the universe is still expanding into that vacuum. The scale is mooted beyond the manifest, even though there is no matter it has space.

How does one envisage an infinite void, where there is absolutely no-thing?

A singularity arising out of a previously manifest universe seems more probable, the crunch of a prior manifest universe(s) into an ultra-dense singularity.

How many universes have there been? Which was the first?

In Toltec “cosmology” the universal spirit, the Nagal, without form contemplated the utter nothingness of the void. Eternity passed even though there was not as yet time. The Nagal noted that for it the no-thing, the void, was very much the known. It noted that for it the thing was the unknown. The Nagal wanted to better understand the no-thing by comparing it to thing. It wanted to find out and set its intent on so doing. As an effect of this cause the void started to stir, it stirred and the first thing was created out of no-thing. Nascent matter was created. The act of manifesting an entire universe so as to contrast thing against no-thing had begun. The Nagal wanted to separate the known, no-thing, into the unknown, thing, in order to learn.

Such an abbreviated verbalisation is consistent with quantum fluctuations, it stirred.

But how do we as carnate beings contemplate the no-thing of void, how do we touch the void out of which creation be-came.

I have used UHV vacuum equipment and ultra-high vacuum is enclosed by stainless steel. That is easy to get your head around. A complete and truly profound vacuum has never been attained on earth. So, any experiment to test for vacuum behaviours tests the behaviour of space in which there is still some matter and which is constrained by the dimension of vessel. We cannot experimentally probe utter vacuum unconstrained by any boundary conditions.

There is no way we can experiment on an infinite void, because in our universe that no longer exits. We are speculating on physics in a complete absence of any matter or dimension, we may be barking up the wrong tree.

Hmmn…

Messes with your swede a little bit…

The Unknown and The Unknowable

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Many do not know with humility where for them the known ends and the unknown begins.

Moreover, their assessment of what is known may be inaccurate in that they imagine they know more than they actually do. Anyone who has taught undergraduate science can testify that there are many students who imagine they know more than they do. They may be confident and exhibit braggadocio concerning their knowledge. They may even pass exams and imagine a mastery over a subject when in fact they have just passed an exam. A qualification is not synonymous with full knowledge. The measured knowledge is qualified to a yard stick. Knowledge begins post exam in its subsequent application. When you have to teach something in public, then you learn. Each time you teach it a new facet, previously un-noted, may be revealed. You could say that teaching is also a process of learning for the so-called teacher.

It stands to reason then, that the scale and scope of the unknown can not even be estimated. Therefore, it cannot be factored in, in a reliable way. There may be some things, concepts and states of awareness which are unknowable, particularly so while in meaty carnate human form.

You do not know what you don’t know and are, by definition, unaware of the gaping hole in your knowledge. Though you may self-diagnose prematurely as omniscient. There are many who imagine themselves smart and with wide, deep and profound knowledge of life, the universe and everything.

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To give a trite example what it feels like to be dead is unknown when alive, yet because we all die, it is not unknowable because we all get a chance to experience it. The level to which we are conscious in the death state may be variable. We don’t know for sure.

In the new age literature, I encounter many who talk about the buddhic and atmic planes or awarenesses. There is a certainty in language which is not necessarily backed up by personal experience. It is for them a theory, a hypothesis and not an experiential reality. In the blue books opus direct and continued experience of these states, in the model hypothesis, is as a result of initiation and evolution.

Humans like to model in their own image and may draw glowing enlightened figures, perhaps partially because states of awareness and consciousness of highly abstract natures are not easily diagrammatically rendered. In the Ancient Wisdom traditions, the atmic “plane” is sometime referred to as the nirvanic plane, implying it is the awareness of the post nirvanic being lacking a causal vehicle having blown it off. They may fail to imagine awe and the austere nature of universe, perhaps they imagine a soft radiant glow, with comforting pastel shades. Cosmogenesis is not nice and fluffy; it is cosmic and violent beyond comprehension. The scope is far beyond human experience. We can just do our best to observe, model and understand.

For a scientist the use of the two dimensional nomenclature of plane is very unhelpful and distracting. Plane implies matter and physicality {excluding imaginary numbers}. When I have been reading these things, I find that the legacy nomenclature from the Victorian mediums and early twentieth century occultists off putting and something which I need to put to one side to get to the gist. The use of etheric “plane” instead of emotional is old fashioned.

I have seen the word Toltec described as man of knowledge and uttered with a bit of awe. I have yet to meet a so-called Toltec who can solve Schrödinger’s equation for a particle in a three dimensional box. Tens of thousands of undergraduates do this every year. There is a whopping great gap in knowledge of physics, chemistry, biology and engineering, in my opinion. They may have knowledge but it is far from complete.

Similarly, many scientists may profess profound knowledge. They may pooh-pooh magic, chakras, ghosts and exorcism. They may even soap box. I’ll wager that I could spend the wee small hours in a haunted house with them and have significantly less fear. Even though ghosts do not exist, of course. If I started to do a rite of exorcism, they would probably shit their pants.

Both groups have the unknown and the extent of it is also unknown. I could play on words and say that the extent of the unknown is the unknowable for any give life because we can only map out so much unknown in ~ 85 standard earth years.

I’ll make a statement; it is common for human beings to imagine themselves more knowledgeable than they actually are. There is an arrogance which is out of proportion with their tens of kilograms of meat measured against a planetary and cosmic scale. Yet they have trouble not being adamant and assertive about things which they know little or nothing about.

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Do you know where the unknown for you starts?

Have you an inkling of just how vast that unknown is for you?

Obsessive About Coypu – Moi?

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

The little buggers came through the electric fence and got shocked as evidenced by a disturbed fence. They tried for an alternate exit and failed. They got shocked twice. So they are getting acustomed. The less expensive option before buying a 2.8 Joule energiser is to put in an extra barrier. From the tracks in the mud it was the Coypu twins last night.

This what they do to our lotuses. Taken this morning.

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Last year they were deterred and we had a magnificent display of lotuses. We need deterrence before spring.

So I laid another strand of defence right on the river bank where they come in.

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They will get double whammy before they get to their dinner.

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Two shocks in quick succession might deter…

Otherwise I am going to start looking on line for some second hand lasers and mirrors…

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The Philosophy of Personal Identity

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

The killer awoke before dawn
He put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall

“The End” by The Doors

I found by experimentation that if a pub was a little crowded of a Friday night, putting the song “The End” on the Juke box several times was causal of a marked thinning out of people density.

If one were to take too many masks from the ancient gallery one might end up with a split personality or a dissociative identity / multiple personality disorder.

“Dissociative identity disorder (DID), previously known as multiple personality disorder (MPD), is one of multiple dissociative disorders in the DSM-5, ICD-11, and Merck Manual. It has a history of extreme controversy.

Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of at least two distinct and relatively enduring personality states. The disorder is accompanied by memory gaps more severe than could be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.”

From Wikipedia

I think it is generally held that having a fairly stable sense of personal identity is a sign of mental health, though many can have an identity crisis in which said set of views and processes, the identity, are called into question. After crisis one might arrive at a changed personal identity, that change could be small or large it is unlikely however to be an utterly complete change. The notion of self-plays a big role in modern psychiatry, dissolution of self leads to liberation is Buddhism etc. Self-esteem which we hear these days is under threat partially because of all the imaginary imagery. Petabytes of doctored pictures provide an illusory ideal yardstick by which to measure inadequacy.

The sense of self might have a strong component of profession. There may be qualities and descriptors to which one subscribes. These may change during life. The thing is I don’t think that many people actually know themselves very well, which suggests that their self-image, self-description and personal legend are at best inaccurate. This does not prevent life from going on as an ersatz. Not everyone needs to fathom the depths.

Whilst one is fully engaged in the common currents of life and the angular momentum of the daily hamster wheel there is little time for reflection and discovery. The pace of life is too fast to bother. Crisis can change this.

I have heard it said that many who go on a 30 day silent solo retreat, struggle. This is because without the accoutrements of self and a lifestyle, the notion of self starts to fall away. This can be very scary. Some may get scarred. Others come out the other side less obsessed by notion of self, less attached to this and have little or no urge to defend anything even minorly contradictory to the illusory narrative of self. Other people are not holding you to this self-image which you have spent much time projecting into the world and your relationships. You are not bound by a self-narrative to the same extent.

For a number of years, I was an evangelical vegan. Then my notion of self had veganism as a core part. Others saw me as a vegan, perhaps annoyingly evangelical, to sit down at table with them and eat beef steak was a game changer for them and for me. I was bricking it that they would call me a hypocrite. They had a sudden change of view.

Self and identity refer to similar things. I could say that I identify as a heterosexual male. But I don’t really, it is a side effect of my dangly bits, chromosomes and residual sexual orientation.

The ninth aspect of the stalker’s rule is:

“A stalker never reveals his identity, not even to himself.”

The notion of stalking is to stalk perceptions, primarily one’s own perceptions. If you have strong descriptor of self and a fixed identity then you will perceive everything through the possible colouration of that lens. It will provide a perceptual and conceptual bias. If you have no identity or no fixed identity the range and scope of possible perceptions increases.

When I first started stalking my perception, I started with the ninth aspect instead of the first. The implications of this aspect of rule are very wide ranging on the one hand and utter simplicity on the other.

If you don’t say things like, “I am / was a senior lecturer in physical chemistry of Welsh extraction, with left wing leaning politics and profound concern about anthropogenic climate change with a wife and a nice house in the country.” Then people will not know where to place you. But this kind of little sentence forms the basis of many person-person interactions. There is a desire for such a one liner for people to start to feel comfortable about who and what they are dealing with. On one level that one liner is true. But it says nothing about what I am like nor how my world view is configured. I do not identify with that sentence even though it is correct. This kind of statement is a part of ritual sniffing where humans metaphorically sniff each other’s arses, like dogs.

If people ask, I can now say that I am retired. If you say it in a particular way few inquire as to retired from what. Although I am retired from in-world quotidian interactions I am not retired in an absolute sense. I have not carked it yet.

At first glance and upon fleeting interaction I seem pretty much like everyone else. I’ll speculate that once my very different world view was rubbed up against, I would see less normal. If I did not wear my normal society mask and let my true colours emanate, I would differ markedly. Just how markedly is impossible to explain, it would have to be experienced. This is because I have used over two decades erasing self and weakening any identification, especially with the form side of life. At first pass a psychiatrist might be concerned, especially if they were taking notes upon how I see myself, what I like, what I don’t like. They may reach for their bible, the diagnostic manuals, excited.

If I say that I learned at an early age to blend and be a chameleon they might raise an eyebrow. But this is a true if metaphorical statement. I went from an “experimental” late sixties Bristol primary school where I was allowed to play chess instead of do art, to a traditional Mines School deep in the Australian outback. For safety I learned to blend. A sore thumb pom quickly spoke Strine.

If you have a sense of identity, whether strong or otherwise, it is difficult to imagine what it is like to have none. Group and group mind comprise a subset of identity. There are millions of red cap wearing MAGA devotees who might identify as non-woke anti-liberal nonce. Group identity remains identity and it is this which is aback and casual of wars.

Many people identify as Christian but in no way do they practise the teachings of Christ, they might better call themselves old-school Jehovian. Brutal destructive vengeance is not a Christian trait to my understanding.

A big contribution to sense of identity is peer group. In the peer group people share stories about their lives and others keep them beholden, to an extent, to these stories. There may be underlying assumptions and expectations on identity.

If you identify to / as anything it can be used to leverage and manipulate you. You can manipulate others with/by their identity.

Look you are eating steak! I always knew you were a hypocritical self-righteous bastard, shame on you. If you do this for me, I won’t tell the others.

I’m a Lumberjack and a Fire Salamander.

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

We have been under the influence of Tempête Eowyn for the last 18 hours or so. This means we keep an eye on the vide sanitaire. Because with persistent rainfall it can start to flood. The pump is in and the mains supply extension in the veranda. We have a lull before the next high winds and heavy rainfall due Sunday.

Yesterday afternoon while checking the vide, the space under the house, we saw a Fire Salamander.

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{not my image}

We had one previously outside which drowned in the water bowls for the stray cats.

This one had come out to play in the darkness of the vide because of the rain. We closed the door and let it go about its business.

“Despite its wide distribution and abundance, it is classified as Vulnerable on the IUCN Red List due to its susceptibility to infection by the introduced fungus Batrachochytrium salamandrivorans, which has caused severe declines in fire salamanders in parts of its range.”

We are quite lucky here we get slow worms, grass snakes and couleuvre vipérine (Natrix maura). To see them swimming in the pond is quite a treat.

During the night the winds were high and doing the rounds this morning I noted one of the poplars has cracked at its base and is being held up by the marsh willow in the “swamp”.

The coypu have not disturbed the witness sticks overnight.

The weather radar suggests a slight break in the rain around mid-day. The poplar needs moved before the next wind. The plan is to attach a rope to the base of the poplar and pull. It should fall step wise. I’ll don my lumberjack shirt and get the chainsaw ready. It looks like it will make good firewood. The difficulty being that thanks to Ciaran all the covered wood store is full.

Maybe I’ll store it in the relative dry under the pines…

The Problem with Introverts…

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I’ll kick this off with a joke I used to use on my MBTI courses which I gave.

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An Introvert Joke

It’s a rainy day. The reception teacher is getting the kids ready to go home. She struggles for 5 minutes with one child’s boots, tugging them on and getting them laced up.

Just as she’s finished, the I child says, “those aren’t my boots”. The teacher sighs and spends another few minutes undoing them and taking them off.

Just as she’s finished, the child adds, “They’re my brother’s. My mum said I had to wear them today.”

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In the MBTI context I have an INFJ preference. I score very high for introversion and judging but my intuition {N} score is close to the maximum available. That intuition is introverted so largely unseen. That means I have a highly organised orientation which is strictly timed with big picture thinking. If people are late and chaotic I can get unsettled / peeved. People see my warm caring feeling F side but I can easily flip to the more logical T side.

For years I acted out ENTJ because I thought that was what blokes were meant to be.

Over the years many people have expressed an opinion about what I am like, who I am, what I am capable off, what my predilections are. They may have expected some kind of response. Rarely did they get one. I am not keen on arguing the toss. It is a stupid waste of time. Some people learn by testing their ideas out in conversation and may expect a push back. Why should I do their work for them? As an introvert I very rarely offer up information or opinion. If I do it will be in a tiny stepwise manner. If things are joined up in my inner world, I have no need to express it. Viewed from one angle few if any get to see what might be called “me”. One could be mysterious and say that I am like an iceberg with hidden depths and not a lettuce like Liz.

I have noted that if you don’t agree or disagree with what someone says they imagine it to be correct, perhaps more correct than it actually is. I could be wrong in this but my intuition can be very reliable. It is not my problem if they have the wrong end of the stick.

People who are fond of bullshitting whether mutual or otherwise, can feel uncomfortable because I don’t play the BS / hype / exaggerate / big up game. Women are less prone to this discomfort than men. Who seem to need ritual sniffing and metaphorical at urinal wall pissing contests. In any case I now have an enlarged prostate. I can be very deadpan and uninterested. There is no uncomfortable silence for me.

It is funny in doctor’s waiting rooms. I do not arse about on my ‘phone, I do not read the magazines and never break the silence in an attempt to have a chat. Someone often breaks. They try to engage. Here I can apologize and explain that I do not speak French well. This nearly always restores the silence. Many are uncomfortable without noise.

In one particular framework my predilection is for dreaming and not (s)talking and I am “in” the place of power and dreaming, the South. I have met a number of people who give courses on dreaming and lucid dreaming in particular. Each of these has been by predilection a (s)talker. Which roughly maps with extroversion. They like techniques like waking in the middle of the night, working with apps and finding their hands to prove that they are in a lucid dream. They interrupt the dream to direct it. In one sense they have talked at an experienced dreamer. They were used to being seen as the expert.

It is possible that they could have learned vast amounts about dreaming from me. But the biggest hindrance to dreaming is talking. They will never know what might have been because I felt no need to big myself up or compare dreaming cock size. I did not need to name drop and show how “in” I was with the dreaming community.

The problem with introverts is that if you talk at them. They will stay schtum and say little or nothing. If you ask, they might just respond, depending on wind direction and the phase of the moon.

It is even worse in my case because I have no need to play the itchy back game because I am no longer in that world. There is currently no need for me to join in…

Believing Without Concluding

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Luckily, I can believe something without coming to a conclusion about its veracity or accuracy or degree of right. I don’t have to win an argument or be right. I can even hold multiple views about the same situation without needing to pick a favourite and I don’t need to soap box, to be dogmatic or adamant. The dream this morning highlighted a fundamental difference in mentality between me and where I once worked. I was not ambitious nor obsessed with winning and league table position. My life did not hang on success or kudos. In many ways I did not belong there amongst. So, it worked out as it did. Dandy.

I think a safe “conclusion” is that the dreams in this blog are not normal or average. This makes me something of an outlier, an anomaly even.  This “conclusion” is uncoloured and non-emotive. It is not significant.

I can see how some of the “data” in these dreams can be interpreted using various narratives, for example Toltec. In which case I belong to a certain predilection as a dreamer and not a stalker.  I am a slightly different class of being. I think it fair to see a mild philosophical bent in my approach to life.

I can try on a working hypothesis, see if there is a partial fit. If there is I note it but have no need to conclude. Such and such is consistent with so and so. No Biggy. Next.

My own experience is, that at least in my case, the law of cause & effect or karma is applicable. I have a mind set of trying to address karma rather than going “phew got away with it, at least for now”. I’ll speculate that this again is not normal or average. To take responsibility for the actions AND consequences in life is not something most share. They fail to see the link of causality because that can be mightily inconvenient. People suffer from entitlement issues and believe, for example, that they are entitled to bomb the living daylights out of a people. They deserve to enact bloody revenge. It is justice no matter how disproportionate. They may be unable to calmly and cooly think it through. They make concentrated poverty adjacent to their opulent wealth and do not foresee consequences. Blinded by rage they do not solve, lashing out is not the most evolved thing to do.

In terms of liberation. One cannot achieve liberation whilst one has unresolved karma, it remains like a weight holding you back. The karma of stubbornness is rich and like most karma can have an ironic flavour. If you don’t believe in karma, it is currently your karma so to be. Karma is patient and one day it will make you understand. You may get knelt.

I know, I believe, that I understand the implications of much of the material in the blog. But I will never conclude that I am right about this and exclusively so. There could be many other explanations or none at all. I am just constructing a temporary view for my own amusement. Like a sand castle I can knock it down. I won’t be explicit and detailed. People like to argue the toss especially with others on the internet.

Not concluding is the antithesis of modern education methods. We are trained to give the {only} “right” answer, to justify it and make a conclusion or two. That way we can gain marks and pass exams; we can earn qualifications.

Students want to know, “tell me what the answer is”. Sometimes there are no answers within the common mundane context. We can ask Siri or Alexa. I suspect that humanity is getting ever lazier and may one day lose the ability to think for itself.

People might only believe if the norm decrees something right and correct. If consensus deems. But there can be different groups of consensuses who will fight for the dominance of being right.

I don’t think that conclusions and answers are evolutionary. They fixate, anchor and coral.

Gandalf Likes Chicken Jalfrezi…

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As part of the morning routine, I take any waste and the coffee grounds out to the composters. I usually leave the pot and the cafetiere there and go to check the marker / witness sticks around the pond. We need to get the coypu situation sorted before the lotuses start.

Yesterday I had some leftover chicken jalfrezi in a saucepan. The recipe contains turmeric, paprika and tomatoes. I left the saucepan on top of the composter and did my rounds. Now Gandalf is the young female stray cat. She is both grey and white and hence her name. Gandalf the grey battled the Balrog underground and as consequence was reborn as Gandalf the white. Her white fur is very white.

When I got back from my rounds, she was there on top of the composter with her head in the saucepan licking the jalfrezi sauce. She picked up some smears of yellow-orange sauce on her face. There is still some residual colour this morning. Turmeric can be difficult to shift. She seemed to like the jalfrezi. What about vindaloo? That remains to be seen.

As a result, I have had to change my routine and not leave pots on the composter.

This morning’s round reveals that the dastardly coypu twins have found / made a new hole in the fence. The witness sticks near that hole have been moved. The ones near the electric fence remain relatively untouched.

I have 25m of fencing with 2mm thick wire arriving later this week. This afternoon there is no rain and we are predicted the dizzy heights of 7 °C. So, I shall rewire the electric fence to be a four strand fence with 4-5 cm gaps between strands. I’ll popover into the swamp and the DMZ in the neighbouring wild and strim their side of the fence.

That means when the new fencing arrives, I am good to go…