Category: Personal

Away From the Highfalutin

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

Irrespective of anything fancy, life goes on much as normal here. Yesterday I went to see the arse doctor and today we went to see the boob doctor. I was being followed up for post operative colon cancer and the wife for post-op breast cancer. In July I have an appointment for a colonoscopy and in August one for the higher PSA level and a prostate follow up.

I was thinking of a tune but I could not quite put a finger on it so to speak

“Bum-titty-bum-bum…”

Once I have seen the chimney sweep, and after my joyous interaction with industrial grade laxative, if all is well and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, there is no more programmed chimney sweeping for five years.

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My next GP appointment is, barring any health change, due in October. I have a rheumatology appointment next week, which should provide some clarity. The issue of two {three} major operations on my hips will be on hold over the summer.

We view a house for sale later this week which will make the downsizing real. A brief visit to Jersey will advise if we can hack being surrounded by anglophones.

At the moment aside from the wife, I speak briefly with the guy who cuts the grass every few weeks, 4-6 times per year with the GP and with the physiotherapist every three weeks or so. That is the full extent of my external “social” interaction. I speak with nobody on the ‘phone or internet and am not in any email dialogue. People might find that extent of social interaction difficult to believe. But it is true.

It is possible that we may downsize this year. The tax return has been sent off.

Shortly I have 75kg of dry bentonite in the garage. The pond has a slow leak and I am going to attempt to plug that a little with clay. Then before we have any drought warning I will refill the pond from the river.

The contrast between the day to day life and what happens in the dreaming is marked.

My “diabetic” socks from China have just arrived without any tariff notice or to pay.

There are two decisions pending patent and blog…what to do…

Life goes on pretty much as normal…nothing fancy…

My Five Buddhist Incarnations – Dreaming

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In around 2003 whilst living in London and working as a lecturer in Physical Chemistry at Imperial College in London I started having waking visions of myself dressed as a Buddhist monk / priest. These visions overlaid normal day to day reality and I was able to lecture to a theatre full of ~one hundred students on chemical reaction kinetics or in smaller groups, chemical applications of group theory, whilst these visions were resident. They persisted on the crowded Victoria Line tube trains. I had repeat visions of om mane padme hum tattooed in Sanskrit on my inner forearms. Accompanying these images was/is the sensation of tattoo. These visions lasted on and on for over a year.

I did not mention this to anyone because I thought it would not go down well in the Chemistry department. I thought human resources might not appreciate this and occupational health might be consulted.

I however was pretty sure that this was past life recall.

Obviously, it is impossible to prove scientifically, that any past life recall is real. At best there can be what the courts call, circumstantial evidence. Dreaming comprises some of this kind of evidence.

In 2009 I had a series of visionary telepathic conversations, early in the morning, walking in the woods near Tring with the master Djwhal Kuhl. He told me of five of my previous lives, two of which were Buddhist. He said that I had been a very close disciple of Siddartha.

The dream yesterday has added Nāgārjuna to the list of possible life-candidates.

Irrespective of accuracy or otherwise the theme of scholasticism and scholar runs through all the/my putative incarnations as does the theme of entrepreneurship. I am “on” the second ray, of the Elephant dreaming class and conditioned by love-wisdom, the teaching ray.

One dream suggests that I was Bakula a close disciple of Siddartha who came late to the path after a scholarly life.

Yesterday’s dream suggests some six hundred years later Nāgārjuna. Who was a “founder” of Mahayana and may have taught at Nalanda university.

Another dream has pointed at a saffron trousered Muay Thai trained Burmese / Thai incarnation, a monk/priest/protector.

Then there is dreaming evidence of a Japanese Vajrayana monk incarnation, with poetry.

{The feeling for me is that I also had a Japanese Zen life but no dreams as yet}.

The next two lives were not substantially Buddhist.

Of late there has been increasing “evidence” for a 20th century incarnation as a Tibetan Buddhist. So far there is no evidence of a named individual. If it was a sequential birth then they need to have died before or in early 1964. If it is a shared emanation then there is no strict constraint of time frame.

It is not for me beyond the realms of possibility that I have had five {six} incarnations with a dominant Buddhist flavour and of a non lay orientation.

It is not going to detrimentally affect my career prospects to write about this here and now.

I can just be some crazy eccentric old git living like a quasi-hermit.

“Look at the twp boy over by there…”

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Last Few Years – End Game

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Since we have been in France several people have commented that I am still young. I have not and do not believe them. I do not see myself as young. I don’t feel that I have two decades left. I feel increasingly decrepit.

The average UK male life expectancy in the UK might be 84 but I have smoked a lot, drunk a lot and have early stage COPD. The government web site “thinks” on average that I will make the state pension age of age of 67. I am less sure. Various anti-tobacco web sites suggest that I have taken around ten years off my life expectancy. Someone like Boris Johnson is the same age as me. There is no way I could countenance his reported familial circumstance. I simply could not hack it. Some of my erstwhile peers are still having useful and successful careers. My overt socio-political career effectively stopped nearly two decades ago. I am done in that context.

The end-game trajectory looks pretty simple.

Many of the things which are advertised as activities for the aged are of no interest to me. The sanguine advertisers’ pictures of garden centre visits, SAGA river cruises, stairlifts, cremation plans and incontinence pants don’t really light my candle. Weirdly old farts like me are pictured using smart phones like a teenager! I will not be a grey-fox male model nor a complicit cripple smiling to camera and simpering in a wheel chair, thanking my lucky stars.

There is a disconnect in perception. People see sixty-year olds differently from how I experience it.

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There is nothing on my bucket list and no residual ambition. I am not keen on bingo nor lawn bowls. I do not want to play bridge nor socialise with my fellow gummy-bear toothless.

I don’t really have much of anything to offer which people might want and/or pay for. I know some things but the things I know are not that which people desire or want. These will go up the crematorium chimney with me.

I know that on the warrior’s path anything might and can happen. So, if something hugely life-changing happened I would not be overly surprised. It looks mightily unlikely now.

I could treat myself to a new camera and renew my photography. I am 90% sure that I could write a truly terrifying occult based psycho-terror novel. Exorcism might feature. Cancer epidemiology and life expectancy / month graphs could be included. I could add some chem-bio-gene terror to the plot, maybe throw in a few mutations.

It remains a hypothesis that other people have karma to work out in respect of me and that I can in no way facilitate this process. Either they will do it in time or I will pop my clogs first. I am powerless to help, incommunicado and our circles are unlikely to cross again this life.

If we down-size the garden a lot. I will need something to do.

I don’t really have a vision of where to from here…the current horizons however are not large…

Life and Dreams Diverge…

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Over the last few days or so I have been getting some vivid dreams. They refer to things not at all concerned with or relating to, our current life, our physical plane reality. There is not a lot I can do with these dreams.

On the horizon at some stage as yet unspecified is a bi-lateral hip replacement operation. This may / may not offer something of a new lease of life in terms of mobility and relative absence of pain. The diffuse idiopathic skeletal hyperostosis suggests that osteophytes will grow subsequent to surgery reducing the useful life of implants. My thoracic spine will get ever more fused and perhaps extend cervical. I will become a proper stiff.

It is increasingly obvious that due to handicap and low physical capability the garden here is too big. Short of winning the lottery we need to move. The current idea is to move house before any operation because I will still be able to lift heavy stuff for the move. As things stand, and unless I get ill, I do not need to see the GP doctor until September for asthma medication which means that the French side of the orthopaedic line of inquiry is on-hold. I have a follow up for colorectal cancer next week which may require industrial grade laxative and a colonoscopy. Yippee, what fun! My ten year anniversary present.

There is no reliable physical plane evidence to deter from the disabled-enabled nanna-flat trajectory. There is nothing on this plane to suggest any use for me. There is nothing holding us here. We could legally move to UK or Ireland. We have become accustomed to Breton rain so Ireland is less of a push than it once was.

It is pretty clear to me that my lack of social viability means we need to find somewhere out of the hurly burly to some extent. Every time I interact something seems to go wrong. Something grates, people get edgy and uncomfortable.

At the moment I am getting a bit bored with the matinal pain.

The decision funnel towards proper down-sizing and retirement pinches, gets tighter. No other options are available / making an appearance. The blog and patent renewal choices must be made soon. And we have had an income tax form, strangely the tax people in France are hyper organized and mega efficient…

With the price of propane increasing and my lumberjack skills failing, the cost of running the house gets ever more prohibitive.

The end-game looks quiet. The idea of a supported retirement flat is more attractive.

I am due an appointment with a UK consultant rheumatologist soon and a short visit to Jersey will help us understand if we can hack being surrounded by anglophones and just how important Waitrose, Café Nero and Pizza Express are. I will have a better idea if there is any immuno-rheumatic cause at play in my bone–skeletal problems.

The dreams are currently significantly diverging from real physical plane life. I know on one hand that I have an unusual and eclectic set of knowledge given my orthodox science background in my earlier London incarnation. It remains an anomaly and not much more than that.

We probably need to stick the house on the market soon…

I will have to explain to the estate agents that I don’t think like other people and that I have zero desire to discuss prices until hell freezes over. I will not negotiate nor make any counter-offer, sorry. I am not sure that I will be able to get that across.

I see a glitch coming. People just don’t / won’t get it.

Anyway, it is sunny outside. The stray cats Felix and Gandalf have been fed. Felix is not looking well and we are not sure how long he will be with us. This once totally stray cat lets me pick him up on my foot! He lets me handle him and I can feel his ribs.

Madame Canard was on the pond this morning with half a dozen ducklings. Each year she raises two broods over the fence in the “swamp”. Monsieur Canard has been pacing up and down smoking, metaphorically.

The trajectory looks pretty set…life and dreams diverge.

Above My Pay Grade

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In quite a few, often intelligence / spying films, out of the USA people use the admonition “it is above your pay grade” to silence junior colleagues and prohibit their access to information. Others say “it is above my pay grade” to plead ignorance. Those on high salaries and with positional power have access to more information and things best kept away from lowly plebs which would not, could not possibly, understand. There are secrets only for the worthy, the elite etc.

I think I have inadvertently upset the applecart here, by examining the CT and MRI images, even having the temerity of printing captured images out. With one exception, our female GP, there has been a weird knee-jerk reaction to being presented with these images. Clearly it is a job demarcation problem for a non qualified pleb to impinge on the wisdom and expertise of a specialist radiographer. Oops, my bad. It is above my pay grade to download image viewing software and examine in detail images.

In France medicine is conducted in silos. A doctor asks a specific question of the radiologist in their silo. He/she replies in short coded statements to the adjacent silo. There is no need for the non specialist to examine images. It is efficient if not comprehensive.

I have had X-rays of my knees and feet done today. They look to me, at first pass OK, so we wait for the written write up which I will get before any GP appointment.

This morning, I have been looking at this Nature Comms Article

Genetics implicates overactive osteogenesis in the development of diffuse idiopathic skeletal hyperostosis

Anurag Sethi, J. Graham Ruby, Matthew A. Veras, Natalie Telis & Eugene Melamud

Nature Communications volume 14, Article number: 2644 (2023)

There are some nice graphics.

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Since I have been looking into diffuse idiopathic skeletal hyperostosis (DISH) I keep reading that the causes are not well understood. Given that it is widespread I ask the question, “why has there not been vast research in the area? It would be of enormous benefit to find a cure / assistance.”

It is a disease of old gits and nowhere near as sexy as cancer or brain surgery. There must be petabytes of images by now.

Clearly it is above my pay grade to ask such a presumptuous question of deity.

According to Nature Comms. I clearly have enhanced overactive rates of osteogenesis.

Does that mean that I get more boners than average? No.

Curiously osteoarthritis seems genetically counter-correlated with DISH. Technically I have a fair fit with the left column above.

Because I have no pay grade any more, no positional power, and no power by association it is probably best that I keep my gob shut and my nose out of the affairs of people way more important than I. I am a relatively poor, increasingly disabled socially non viable being. No way am I a big cheese in the grande fromagerie of life.

Obvs it is for the high and mighty to discuss things amongst themselves. The lofty air up there is way above my pay grade.

It does beg the question, “If you were to come visit me after your death, what would you say, what might you ask?”

“What might you expect me to say or do?”

In my opinion if I were writing a grant proposal, I might start….

DISH detrimentally impacts on the quality of life of more than 15% of the adult population therefore it is both timely and cost effective to understand better the aetiology of the disease so that early stage prophylactic interventions can be developed. Thereby enhancing both recurrent healthcare cost reduction and quality of life outcomes.

But that is above my pay grade.

Living Buddha – Life Trajectories

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Following the “Tibet” line of inquiry yesterday I looked for various films about finding tulku reincarnations. We have seen, Little Buddha, Kundun about the Dalai Lama and Tulku by Gesar Mukpo. Each of which had tremendous, guttural, impact on me. I found “Living Buddha” by Clemens Kuby about the search for and enthronement of the 17th Gyalwa Karmapa head of the Kagyu lineage inter alia. Here is the trailer.

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In this film the 16th leaves clues as to where to find his reincarnation which is supported by a dream of the Dalai Lama. A party is sent to search and after a ~ ten day trek into deepest darkest Eastern Tibet the son of nomadic famer living in fairly primitive conditions embedded deep in nature is located. The lives of that young man and his family are changed forever. The life trajectory of nomadic existence is replaced by a high lama throne, a famous black hat and being thrust onto the stage of global geo-politics.

In principle, the long Karmapa lineage is of quasi-divine reincarnate awakened beings capable of non-human feats such as wide ranging clairvoyance bordering on a mundane omniscience. They return for the benefit of all sentient beings. Padmasambhava, Guru Rinpoche, prophesises that there will be 21 such incarnations. These beings are held in very high esteem in Tibet, among the diaspora and with followers of Tibetan variety Buddhism.

This film is documentary evidence of how a life trajectory can alter radically and suddenly when viewed from the mundane familial life. It also suggests that the intended trajectory did not in fact change, it simply worked out “as planned”. It was just a matter of time.

Over a decade ago I had a number of dreams suggesting that I would meet the 17th one day.

Our current life trajectory is looking like, maybe, a move back to Wales. It includes the purchase of a disabled enabled bungalow in sensible proximity to a major, preferably university, hospital and with a low price tag. I found a bungalow on Right Move yesterday which apart from distance to hospital looked good. Such a place does therefore exist.

Unless something weird is happening whereby this blog is monitored in some way and thereby has a wider audience. What I write here has a very small readership and is a tiny little ripple in a corner of the vast internet. It is therefore unknown and unheard of. Only the wife, the cat(s) and I have experienced its entirety.

Subsequent and during the film last night, I had strong visual images of the 17th and a few of Akong Rinpoche. It is pretty weird and I had not had any weed, nor had a mushroom omelette.

In “Little Buddha” they are searching for the reincarnation of Lama Dorje. One of the crew has a dream of him in jeans standing near to an architect designed house under construction

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They, the Buddhists, start to stalk the family and impinge on their lives. The maths teacher mother is greeted by the mathematical astrologer at the school fence.

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The higher lama looking for his teacher then tips up in Seattle with entourage and takes the boy back to Bhutan for assessing. Along the way they encounter two more emanations of the reincarnated teacher making three.

Three Vajras – Speech, Body and Mind.

Our house is architect designed.

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We are currently waiting for our large pond to be filled with pink lotus flowers and our house is characterised by emptiness.

We have no idea if any Tibetans geezers are having dreams or visions about us/me.

If one day a Tibetan monk seeker / stalker tipped up, our lives could change and radically so. The trajectory, viewed from one angle would be knocked for six.

The odds of this happening are probably better than for a EuroMillions win which would also alter life trajectory, but perhaps not so substantially.

If I had to switch jeans / combat trousers for robes, that could freak people who may have met me, out.

The family joke is I was aiming for Bhutan but saw the flag of Wales with the dragon and reincarnated in Cardiff by accident…

Cymru am byth…

Is It Me? – Introversion

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Over the last few weeks, I have been interacting with the medical profession. It has raised a not uncommon question for me. One which had me investigating an Autism diagnosis a decade ago. The question is:

Is it me? Am I too unfiltered, direct and accurate or are people insecure, precious, pompous and defensive? Am I not full enough with bullshit and braggadocio? Do I fail to play the itchy back dog sniffing arses game well enough? Must I always wear a mask in order not to freak people out?

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It seems to me that I unnerve people. I dial back several orders of magnitude already when I interact. It seems the only answer to not causing angst and a feeling of being unsettled is not to interact at all.  To keep my gob shut and wherever possible keep out of public circulation. In general, I have a worse reaction from “men” than from women.

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Am I simply not socially viable in the common socio-political illusion / context. Am I just too weird and feral.

Is it me? Am I the problem?

Maybe I Was an Alpaca?

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This morning’s dream points {again} to some kind of Tibetan incarnation, perhaps some lama-dude. I have long held this possibility at arm’s length because I have had no waking memory of such a thing. The dream indicates a time stamp roughly of 1960 when things were bad in Tibet and a number of lamas left. We hear about the ones who made it. We don’t hear about the ones who did not.

They may have been vulture food.

I did once go to a dzong in London and had an “empowerment” by Tulku Akong Rinpoche. A lama who along with Chögyam Trungpa escaped from Tibet during the Chinese excess.

I have often wondered why no waking recall. The only answer I came up with is that life as a monk is so very boring that there is little to remember, no outstanding dramatic events. Tedium, day after day routine.

If the dream points at a very recent incarnation, then that hints at something like a tulku incarnation, where one life follows quickly.

That does not really impinge on the current health problems and search for a nanna-flat. In a sense it is little more than a phenomenological possibility when viewed from life circumstance. I do not see nor feel that there is much / anything left for me to do.

I have hypothesised that there have been many failures, way more than “successes”. We only hear of the latter because it is they who have ongoing wider significance. In a way quiet failure fertilizes the ground for success.

I am at something of an impasse on the health front and cannot currently see any further steps. There is nothing urgent and I can tolerate the pain and lack of sleep. We need to move house before even thinking about any operation. It is not a complicated equation, for now.

I am currently where I am not seeing medical intervention as something positive and healing. It seems like a necessary thing and to be endured even. It does not fill me with hope for an easier existence.

Do I have to? Well maybe it is sensible.

Who knows what if any dreams will follow tonight…

DISH What Next – Prognosis Not Good

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As Toyah might say, “It’s a mystery”. If you read a review article from 2023 claiming that something is unclear in journalistic language understatement, it is clear that they do not know why Diffuse Idiopathic Skeletal Hyperostosis occurs nor how come. There are correlated but not proven causative factors.

They could call it “strange bony growth disease we don’t understand” but that would impinge on the sacred deity of jargon.

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idiopathic

adjective

1: arising spontaneously or from an obscure or unknown cause

2: peculiar to the individual

An idiopathic disease is any disease with an unknown cause or mechanism of apparent spontaneous origin.

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Eshed, I.

Imaging Characteristics of Diffuse Idiopathic Skeletal Hyperostosis: More Than Just Spinal Bony Bridges.

Diagnostics 2023, 13, 563.

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https://doi.org/10.3390/diagnostics13030563

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“The body of knowledge regarding imaging characteristics has grown over the last decade. The current Resnick and Niwayama criteria for DISH correspond to an endstage diagnosis of the disease, in which the spine is already ankylosed. A newer set of classification criteria is warranted for diagnosis in an earlier, pre-ankylotic stage of the disease.

The pathogenesis underlying this disease is still unclear, and although it is thought to be a degenerative disease, it has been suggested that similarities to SpA may imply an inflammatory basis. Imaging studies further characterizing the disease may potentially aid in deciphering the currently obscure pathogenesis of DISH.”

SpA is spondylarthritis or ankylosing spondylitis

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I would have to place myself in the advanced stages given what I have read.

The physiotherapist today said that the prognosis for me is not good. The bony growths will probably grow and I will get more and more rigid and unable to bend. Because of the rigid spine I will increasingly be at risk of spinal fracture. The rigid part is long.

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The “rigid” part of the lever may snap.

If the DISH spreads to my cervical spine there are risks associated with oral intubation causing cervical spine fracture. It makes general anaesthesia slightly riskier.

Hip replacements are more likely to suffer prompt bony over growth. This means that they would probably last less long before failure.

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“Heterotopic ossification is a common complication following total hip arthroplasty in patients with DISH, occurring in 30% to 56% of cases. In contrast, patients without DISH in the cited studies had a much lower rate of heterotopic ossification, ranging from 10% to 22%.”

Prognosis

The prognosis of DISH varies based on the severity of the condition and the symptoms experienced by the individual. While DISH is a progressive disorder, it typically advances slowly. Most individuals can manage their symptoms with conservative treatments, such as physical therapy, pain management, and maintaining an active lifestyle to preserve range of motion. However, in some cases, DISH can lead to significant complications, including severe spinal stiffness, nerve compression, and difficulties with swallowing or breathing if calcification extends to the cervical or thoracic regions.

Rarely, surgical intervention may be necessary to relieve compression or correct severe deformities. Overall, while DISH can affect quality of life, especially in advanced stages, it is not typically life-threatening. With proper management, many patients are able to maintain a functional level of mobility.

Luo TD, Varacallo MA. Diffuse Idiopathic Skeletal Hyperostosis. [Updated 2025 Jan 10]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2025 Jan-.

Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK538204/

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There are other knock on effects, bony growths in weird places including aorta and heels.

I may get have to get used to the terms ossification and calcification. A brief inspection of the internet struggles to find much on severe DISH. It seems taboo or just not click worthy. My CT images look top end advanced.

I have not yet had a formal diagnosis. I have learned that this might make me a DISHie and that there are support groups on line. They say that it can take ages, years, to get diagnosed and that most have co-morbidities, one of which is often ankylosing spondylitis.

I might, in due course, become a lab rat and a participant in the on line groups.

My days dancing at the Bolshoi had to end sooner or later…