Category: Personal

La raison est ce qui effraie le plus chez un fou.

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

———

——–

“What frightens us most in a madman is his sane conversation.”

Anatole France

–

People can be ultra-judgmental if you stray in any way from the norm, the rules, if you dare to be even a smidgeon different. Those who have lost hope and succumbed are quick to label others feckless dreamers. They can be punitive and unforgiving.

For many reasons and with many feelings, “The Dead Poets Society” is / was a film for me of awakening. Later because of various real world events it had a haunting and melancholic wounding personal resonance. It spoke volumes as to where society misplaced it values and then inflicted them on others. Young people had their entire self-worth invested in exam results, success, winning and achievement. Off piste expression was frowned upon, goals were the be all and end all. Compliance seen as the way, you must play the game to get ahead.  Even if it means dying a little inside.

–

–

As such so often the baby is thrown out with the bath water. There is no way to convince a narrow minded person with a blinkered view that this is true. A frog at the bottom of a well is an expert on the well bottom, but it has never seen a pacific sunset on a white coral beach in the tropics. The frog cannot begin to conceive of an ocean let alone a sunset.

There is no reliable way to be 100% confident either of my sanity or my insanity. This especially through a blog. I could be a season card bus ticket holder to Barking or park my 4×4 in the drive of my expensive Godalming home having studied PPE at Oxford. There is no need to decide or choose.

Only in a very weird situation would it matter if I was a crackpot fantasist or not. Sat where I am, I do not impinge on the world. I have the time to daydream and it impacts not, provided that I do the garden and cook dinner from time to time.

Nevertheless, how people decide, perceive and assimilate the world can have real world effects.

Thanks to recent events in the USA the world is becoming an ever more divisive, coarse and unpleasant place. Nuance is being executed by social media sound byte firing squads. The monosyllabic and the droning are draining the will to live. Hope is being replaced by pissing contest.

If you don’t comply you will be berated in public and written out of the script, sidelined with those who do not toe the line and suck up enough. Manna will not fall from the high table, the Fed. There will be no place at the banquet-orgy of US economy for you. War, trade war.

I see nothing inspiring, nothing uplifting, no succour for the poor and the needy. I see no harbinger of hope or joy nor for that matter of humanity. I see no Christian values.

The lights of the world are slowly going out…

You can judge for yourself who is more sane, you or I?

I have Aspergillus fumigatus-specific IgG Antibodies

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

As part of the ongoing medial investigation my lab results have come back to test for aspergillus fumigatus antibodies. I have a value of 45 mgA/L which is apparently significant. My IgE antibodies are normal-ish which means that I am not in the throws of an allergic reaction.

Aspergillus fumigatus is implicated in farmer’s lung disease. There are some esoteric linkages with arthritis. There is some kind of immune thing going on, my HLA-B27 test was negative. But there are IgGs in my blood, some for Aspergillus flavus too.

So, I have the fungal pathogen aspergillus fumigatus somewhere in my body and have made antibodies which are circulating in my blood. It is possible to grow a colony in a petri dish. Yuck.

I am a fungi to be with.

This little blighter may play a role in my asthma and “COPD”.

I am exposed to compost and rotting grass cuttings, it is damp here. Best guess is lungs, I am due a pulmonary CT scan on the 7th of April. Which is soon.

If you type the first few letters into Google, AI predict diagnoses Asperger’s …

If it is serious I anticipate that the lung doctor or GP will give me a call this evening. It seems a chronic, long term thing at first pass.

Another piece of the jigsaw puzzle….

Loose Ends

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

Thematically the notion of loose ends has been active in the period of hibernal sleep, pralaya, before the post equinox activity.

“Pralaya is the period of sleep between cosmic revolutions as well as dissolution of the body and cosmos.”

The skirmish with the coypu is coming to a close, there is about 10 m more of fencing to repair on the northern boundary, the single wire, six conductor, five string electric fence, is offering deterrent. There has been no sign of coypu in the pond for a week now.

Finally, after an hour or so on the ‘phone and with an abortive attempt I have managed to replace the UK secure banking thingy. I have had a couple of nice chats with Indian gentlemen in the sub-continent. One of them had a nice sense of humour when I asked for a 50:50 or ‘phone a friend for one of his questions.

I await a replacement Carte Vitale; the current estimate is two more weeks…

I have asked for an HLA – B27 genotype test which will help to close /open one door concerning a diagnosis for my back pain. A telephone call to the surgery on Monday will see if there is a prescription waiting. Although there is an MRI appointment early April for an S5 – L1 investigation I am not sure there is a point to it, nor if it justifies the price. If I get a positive HLA -B27 test then I can ask the GP to change the target of the MRI to sacroiliac joints which can be diagnostic of ankylosing spondylitis. If no test is forthcoming, I could just go though the motions and let it all drop until next year. I asked, it was ignored, let it play. Do not inflict myself. Do not push or strive.

I have been following up on the Brisbane property title deed prompted by the recent dream. The title search reported four properties in the same full name as my father, two near Brisbane and two near Cairns. One of the titles fits my memory and there are two > $1 million Australian properties on the plots. I have asked for a historical title search from registry this morning. This is probably only for historical interest.

I get a Titanium tooth root drilled in in a couple or weeks to be followed by a crown in a few months. Three teeth are similar in price to an old style, non-computational, second hand car. First pass is to only get one done; the other side of my mouth can remain nonfunctional.

The tuner in our satellite TV decoder failed and we await a replacement from Ireland. I will tune the receiver dish to Astra 2 in geo-stationary orbit and we will have UK TV back, fingers crossed. Watching rugby with French commentary is not the same.

I know this is a dangerous thing to say. But there does not seem to be any actions on my part outside of these currently on my to do list. Nor does there seem any other than gardening or medical for the near future.

I may be a loose end for others, but I see no action required of me. This seems unlikely as I am not “in” (m)any other lives.

On the back burner there are noises that the French property market is starting to warm a tiny bit perhaps aided by the ECB interest rate decision last week. The chronic decision of house down-sizing may come onto the cards later in spring-summer.

Yep, there are curve balls, spanners etc…

Then on the horizon is the big-one. In March 2026 our right to stay expires along with our health rights, our bank cards. Everything French except my driver licence runs out on the same day. We may get booted out back to blighty.

Given the right wing nationalist rhetoric which can be found on many sides, our future here does not look as secure as it did two years ago.

Gee thanks Donald and Elon and Boris…

This residence thing needs watching, hopefully something is put in place in a timely fashion. Though it could be a lastminut.com lash up.

This morning, I was awoken by the dawn chorus, there are daffodils and primroses, the roses are budding. Spring is putting her toe through the threshold of the year…

Medical Merry-go-round

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

After the visit to the orthopaedic surgeon no replacement hip surgery is currently foreseen. Instead, I have been referred to a spinal column – pelvis surgeon following a programmed (S5-L1) MRI. They will use the water (T1) and fat (T2) resonance decay times to determine if the nerve roots are entrained, pressed upon. There is no neuropathy so this seems unlikely. I will be back to square one, I will not pass Go, nor collect £200.

Way back in ~1994 the Imperial College heath centre were trying to figure out why I was having major pain in my lower spine and pelvis. There was very restricted motion of my hips. They mentioned ankylosing spondylitis (AS). It went on for months and they could not figure out what was going on. There was a lot of pain and this preceded my depressive breakdown ~1995-7. The prospect of incurable ankylosing spondylitis as a ~30 year old is not an attractive one.

I am going to ask the general practitioner for a blood test for the human leukocyte antigen (HLA) B27 which is strongly implicated in AS.

–

–

There are some very lengthy forms for genetic consent here in France.

If this suggests AS I may be on the NSAIDs and Tumour Necrosis Factor Inhibitors. One of which is lenalidomide which the wife takes for multiple myeloma.

TNF

–

–

I would like some more clarity before anyone reaches for the knife…

Out of Touch and Largely Irrelevant

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

It is probably a time of life thing. There is much hoo-ha about awards ceremonies in the entertainment industry at the moment. I suspect like generations before me I fail to recognise over 60% of the protagonists and I really don’t care who won what gong for which piece of over hyped “entertainment” nor who is snogging who or getting their tits out for the cameras.

It is so profound that I am way out of my depth.

–

–

Over the last year I have emailed various people and have received a most bizarre response, four times now. The reply has contained the expression “thank you for reaching out”. WTF.

What does that mean? Am I in quicksand? Am I in desperation heading for sectioning under the antiquated mental health act? What planet are these people on? Where does this little gem come from?

I don’t know…seems incongruous to me.

–

–

I think it fairly safe to conclude that I am largely irrelevant. I am perhaps only relevant to one human and three cats. That seems to be the reality of life at the moment. It seems likely to remain that way.

–

–

I am clearly out of touch with the world at large…

Survived Another Winter – Spring Cleaning

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

It is the middle of February and the long range weather forecast suggests that the month may end with a warmer Southerly wind. This means that we have probably survived another winter. How many more we have left, is moot.

I have organised my dreams in this blog and am happy that there is not much more to be done with them. The web stats suggest that this is my least read blog ever. I have made no effort to promote it or optimise SEO because dreams are not about force and anyone floating by like a cloud, is welcome.

There are around 200,000 words here with ~ 250 posts and a total of 600 registered views {non France}.

It is possible that people read content without the stats monitoring it. There is no way to quantify this. Based on evidence very few are interested. I am not surprised; people have way more important things.

The plan for the site renews in May and I have a mind to do some spring cleaning, to wipe the slate perhaps. The reads for my Substack are also very low. Maybe a fresh start?

I am perhaps due a big operation sometime in 2025, perhaps not.

I have been getting some big dreams of late which bear no commonality with my day to day life. The wife even had one thematically linked too.

If we were to sell the house to down size to a nanna-flat or bungalow, spring summer looks to be the time to start. We have had all the diagnostics done.

I am far from the normal mundane currents of life, a little eddy in a backwater. It is very unlikely that this will change. Although the universe has curve balls, I am not even at the batting home plate, should it seek to pitch. Any incoming is probably going to be health related.

In a sense these dreams are an insubstantial pageant which bears little tangibility to the life quotidian. They prove nothing though hint at more. Maybe they are tendrils from a far off land, a far off place, a time that never was, ghost echoes in the web of life, an unmanifest potential not even nearing a threshold. Perhaps a faintly traced charcoal sketch of karmic comedy and tragedy writ filagree on rice paper.

Impermanence is not attained by many, they take so very much for granted.

Maybe that time is again at hand.

—————————————————————————-

PROSPERO, to Ferdinand 

You do look, my son, in a moved sort,
As if you were dismayed. Be cheerful, sir.


Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air;
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep. 

Sir, I am vexed.


Bear with my weakness. My old brain is troubled.
Be not disturbed with my infirmity.
If you be pleased, retire into my cell
And there repose. 

A turn or two I’ll walk
To still my beating mind.

The Tempest – Act 4, scene 1 William Shakespeare

A Month on the Opium

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

I am in the middle of an attack of gout. It seems to me that this is in some way governed by the simplified reversible reaction:

–

C5H3O3N4– (aq) + Na+(aq) ⇌ C5H3O3N4Na(s)

–

In which sodium urate crystals are deposited in the tissues of my foot. There will be a multitude of other equilibria and pH dependent equations. It is obvious to me that increasing [C5H3O3N4–] and [Na+] will drive the reaction to the right, simplistically. Higher concentration means more pain.

Gout is not fun!!

Yet the concentration of sodium ions is not mentioned in the swathe of articles I have read this morning. Am I missing something? Why is this not factored in? Am I being picky?

Medical research always seems a tad vague to my sensibilities. Yet the conclusions are acted upon.

There is a lot of anecdotal stuff about gout, cut and pasted, all over the internet. Victorian stereotypes persist. People read things and don’t question provenance. Maybe I should get a tin foil hat just in case. Where can I buy a reputable bottle of snake oil? Which has the best Trustpilot rating? If 87% of 75 people said it works, it must be true, after all we are worth it.

My urate ion concentrations are less than 10% above the norms yet my C reactive protein is moderately elevated consistent with significant inflammation. It could be gout but I also wonder if something more exotic is being missed.

The GP has prescribed for me a poison, which has no antidote, to combat the symptoms. The margin between effective dosage and toxicity is small. In the tablets are an anti-convulsive and opium powder to offset the possible side effects of the toxin.

If I stick to the prescription, I will be on low dose opium for a month. I am also prescribed allopurinol with the aim of reducing my serum urate levels to the bottom end of the “normal” amounts.

Tomorrow, I see a podiatrist to discuss an orthopaedic sole to compensate for the fact that my left, titanium pinned leg, is shorter than my right. I will also discuss bilateral hip replacement in March. I have a COPD linked follow up with a lung doctor and a colorectal cancer endoscopy pencilled in for late spring. I have a working hypothesis that all these medical issues are a reminder to never incarnate again.

I have what are called co-morbidities and this reduces the available medical play book.

I am not entirely happy with the notion of a very mild opium fog.

Hmnn…

Gout and Sodium Ions

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

Much of the literature on gout focusses on reducing the concentration of uric acid and hence urate ions in the blood. Gout arrives, apparently, when sodium urate crytals preciptate out at joints, often in the foot. The solubility of sodium urate is lowest at pH of 7.7. The literature ascribes {anecdotally} gout to uric acid crystals, which is a bit loose.

–

–

In the past they have treated gout with lithium {ions} becuase the solubility of lithium urate is higher than sodium and (?) potassium. Having severe depression treated with lithium may reduce gout. (?)

It seems to me that an obvious thing is being missed. An enhanced concentration of sodium ions is likely to precipitate more sodium urate crystals. This is a simple thing to adjust by diet, no medication needed.

What are the roles of electrolytes in gout?

My experiment begins…no salty crips today and for a while…

Coypu and the Lotus Wars

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

It is very important that the lotus grows out of the mud, the mire, and strecthes its radiant head above water to soak in the solar bounty.

Here is the Heron recorded after dawn. In the pond you can see the proto-lotuses starting to form. They are to the top middle of the video.

Turn the sound up to hear the birdsong….

–

–

We finished reinforcing the wire fence yesterday. But, here is Moma Coypu coming from the left up from the river. She disturbs the witness sticks…

–

–

She is joined by junior coypu, who heads off in the direction of the lotuses for supper…

–

–

After dining junior comes back to Moma and she grooms the little bastard.

–

–

About and hour or so before dawn Moma heads back in the general direction of the river.

–

–

If you listen carefully you can hear an owl.

Somehow they are getting though the electric fence. I’ll put the camera out to observe and will probbaly make a five strander. The toad migration has started and unfortunatley we electrocuted a female toad the other night. I need to make sure there is good clearence at the bottom…

Obsessive About Coypu – Moi?

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

The little buggers came through the electric fence and got shocked as evidenced by a disturbed fence. They tried for an alternate exit and failed. They got shocked twice. So they are getting acustomed. The less expensive option before buying a 2.8 Joule energiser is to put in an extra barrier. From the tracks in the mud it was the Coypu twins last night.

This what they do to our lotuses. Taken this morning.

–

–

Last year they were deterred and we had a magnificent display of lotuses. We need deterrence before spring.

So I laid another strand of defence right on the river bank where they come in.

–

–

They will get double whammy before they get to their dinner.

–

–

Two shocks in quick succession might deter…

Otherwise I am going to start looking on line for some second hand lasers and mirrors…

–

–