Category: Personal

A Month on the Opium

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

I am in the middle of an attack of gout. It seems to me that this is in some way governed by the simplified reversible reaction:

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C5H3O3N4– (aq) + Na+(aq) ⇌ C5H3O3N4Na(s)

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In which sodium urate crystals are deposited in the tissues of my foot. There will be a multitude of other equilibria and pH dependent equations. It is obvious to me that increasing [C5H3O3N4–] and [Na+] will drive the reaction to the right, simplistically. Higher concentration means more pain.

Gout is not fun!!

Yet the concentration of sodium ions is not mentioned in the swathe of articles I have read this morning. Am I missing something? Why is this not factored in? Am I being picky?

Medical research always seems a tad vague to my sensibilities. Yet the conclusions are acted upon.

There is a lot of anecdotal stuff about gout, cut and pasted, all over the internet. Victorian stereotypes persist. People read things and don’t question provenance. Maybe I should get a tin foil hat just in case. Where can I buy a reputable bottle of snake oil? Which has the best Trustpilot rating? If 87% of 75 people said it works, it must be true, after all we are worth it.

My urate ion concentrations are less than 10% above the norms yet my C reactive protein is moderately elevated consistent with significant inflammation. It could be gout but I also wonder if something more exotic is being missed.

The GP has prescribed for me a poison, which has no antidote, to combat the symptoms. The margin between effective dosage and toxicity is small. In the tablets are an anti-convulsive and opium powder to offset the possible side effects of the toxin.

If I stick to the prescription, I will be on low dose opium for a month. I am also prescribed allopurinol with the aim of reducing my serum urate levels to the bottom end of the “normal” amounts.

Tomorrow, I see a podiatrist to discuss an orthopaedic sole to compensate for the fact that my left, titanium pinned leg, is shorter than my right. I will also discuss bilateral hip replacement in March. I have a COPD linked follow up with a lung doctor and a colorectal cancer endoscopy pencilled in for late spring. I have a working hypothesis that all these medical issues are a reminder to never incarnate again.

I have what are called co-morbidities and this reduces the available medical play book.

I am not entirely happy with the notion of a very mild opium fog.

Hmnn…

Gout and Sodium Ions

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Much of the literature on gout focusses on reducing the concentration of uric acid and hence urate ions in the blood. Gout arrives, apparently, when sodium urate crytals preciptate out at joints, often in the foot. The solubility of sodium urate is lowest at pH of 7.7. The literature ascribes {anecdotally} gout to uric acid crystals, which is a bit loose.

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In the past they have treated gout with lithium {ions} becuase the solubility of lithium urate is higher than sodium and (?) potassium. Having severe depression treated with lithium may reduce gout. (?)

It seems to me that an obvious thing is being missed. An enhanced concentration of sodium ions is likely to precipitate more sodium urate crystals. This is a simple thing to adjust by diet, no medication needed.

What are the roles of electrolytes in gout?

My experiment begins…no salty crips today and for a while…

Coypu and the Lotus Wars

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It is very important that the lotus grows out of the mud, the mire, and strecthes its radiant head above water to soak in the solar bounty.

Here is the Heron recorded after dawn. In the pond you can see the proto-lotuses starting to form. They are to the top middle of the video.

Turn the sound up to hear the birdsong….

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We finished reinforcing the wire fence yesterday. But, here is Moma Coypu coming from the left up from the river. She disturbs the witness sticks…

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She is joined by junior coypu, who heads off in the direction of the lotuses for supper…

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After dining junior comes back to Moma and she grooms the little bastard.

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About and hour or so before dawn Moma heads back in the general direction of the river.

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If you listen carefully you can hear an owl.

Somehow they are getting though the electric fence. I’ll put the camera out to observe and will probbaly make a five strander. The toad migration has started and unfortunatley we electrocuted a female toad the other night. I need to make sure there is good clearence at the bottom…

Obsessive About Coypu – Moi?

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The little buggers came through the electric fence and got shocked as evidenced by a disturbed fence. They tried for an alternate exit and failed. They got shocked twice. So they are getting acustomed. The less expensive option before buying a 2.8 Joule energiser is to put in an extra barrier. From the tracks in the mud it was the Coypu twins last night.

This what they do to our lotuses. Taken this morning.

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Last year they were deterred and we had a magnificent display of lotuses. We need deterrence before spring.

So I laid another strand of defence right on the river bank where they come in.

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They will get double whammy before they get to their dinner.

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Two shocks in quick succession might deter…

Otherwise I am going to start looking on line for some second hand lasers and mirrors…

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The Problem with Introverts…

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I’ll kick this off with a joke I used to use on my MBTI courses which I gave.

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An Introvert Joke

It’s a rainy day. The reception teacher is getting the kids ready to go home. She struggles for 5 minutes with one child’s boots, tugging them on and getting them laced up.

Just as she’s finished, the I child says, “those aren’t my boots”. The teacher sighs and spends another few minutes undoing them and taking them off.

Just as she’s finished, the child adds, “They’re my brother’s. My mum said I had to wear them today.”

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In the MBTI context I have an INFJ preference. I score very high for introversion and judging but my intuition {N} score is close to the maximum available. That intuition is introverted so largely unseen. That means I have a highly organised orientation which is strictly timed with big picture thinking. If people are late and chaotic I can get unsettled / peeved. People see my warm caring feeling F side but I can easily flip to the more logical T side.

For years I acted out ENTJ because I thought that was what blokes were meant to be.

Over the years many people have expressed an opinion about what I am like, who I am, what I am capable off, what my predilections are. They may have expected some kind of response. Rarely did they get one. I am not keen on arguing the toss. It is a stupid waste of time. Some people learn by testing their ideas out in conversation and may expect a push back. Why should I do their work for them? As an introvert I very rarely offer up information or opinion. If I do it will be in a tiny stepwise manner. If things are joined up in my inner world, I have no need to express it. Viewed from one angle few if any get to see what might be called “me”. One could be mysterious and say that I am like an iceberg with hidden depths and not a lettuce like Liz.

I have noted that if you don’t agree or disagree with what someone says they imagine it to be correct, perhaps more correct than it actually is. I could be wrong in this but my intuition can be very reliable. It is not my problem if they have the wrong end of the stick.

People who are fond of bullshitting whether mutual or otherwise, can feel uncomfortable because I don’t play the BS / hype / exaggerate / big up game. Women are less prone to this discomfort than men. Who seem to need ritual sniffing and metaphorical at urinal wall pissing contests. In any case I now have an enlarged prostate. I can be very deadpan and uninterested. There is no uncomfortable silence for me.

It is funny in doctor’s waiting rooms. I do not arse about on my ‘phone, I do not read the magazines and never break the silence in an attempt to have a chat. Someone often breaks. They try to engage. Here I can apologize and explain that I do not speak French well. This nearly always restores the silence. Many are uncomfortable without noise.

In one particular framework my predilection is for dreaming and not (s)talking and I am “in” the place of power and dreaming, the South. I have met a number of people who give courses on dreaming and lucid dreaming in particular. Each of these has been by predilection a (s)talker. Which roughly maps with extroversion. They like techniques like waking in the middle of the night, working with apps and finding their hands to prove that they are in a lucid dream. They interrupt the dream to direct it. In one sense they have talked at an experienced dreamer. They were used to being seen as the expert.

It is possible that they could have learned vast amounts about dreaming from me. But the biggest hindrance to dreaming is talking. They will never know what might have been because I felt no need to big myself up or compare dreaming cock size. I did not need to name drop and show how “in” I was with the dreaming community.

The problem with introverts is that if you talk at them. They will stay schtum and say little or nothing. If you ask, they might just respond, depending on wind direction and the phase of the moon.

It is even worse in my case because I have no need to play the itchy back game because I am no longer in that world. There is currently no need for me to join in…

Gandalf Likes Chicken Jalfrezi…

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As part of the morning routine, I take any waste and the coffee grounds out to the composters. I usually leave the pot and the cafetiere there and go to check the marker / witness sticks around the pond. We need to get the coypu situation sorted before the lotuses start.

Yesterday I had some leftover chicken jalfrezi in a saucepan. The recipe contains turmeric, paprika and tomatoes. I left the saucepan on top of the composter and did my rounds. Now Gandalf is the young female stray cat. She is both grey and white and hence her name. Gandalf the grey battled the Balrog underground and as consequence was reborn as Gandalf the white. Her white fur is very white.

When I got back from my rounds, she was there on top of the composter with her head in the saucepan licking the jalfrezi sauce. She picked up some smears of yellow-orange sauce on her face. There is still some residual colour this morning. Turmeric can be difficult to shift. She seemed to like the jalfrezi. What about vindaloo? That remains to be seen.

As a result, I have had to change my routine and not leave pots on the composter.

This morning’s round reveals that the dastardly coypu twins have found / made a new hole in the fence. The witness sticks near that hole have been moved. The ones near the electric fence remain relatively untouched.

I have 25m of fencing with 2mm thick wire arriving later this week. This afternoon there is no rain and we are predicted the dizzy heights of 7 °C. So, I shall rewire the electric fence to be a four strand fence with 4-5 cm gaps between strands. I’ll popover into the swamp and the DMZ in the neighbouring wild and strim their side of the fence.

That means when the new fencing arrives, I am good to go…

Gathering Winter Fuel

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Today I cut up the wooden palette upon which one of our deliveries of wood came. To break the palette into planks, remove the nails and then size these with a chain saw takes a couple of hours. The sized pieces can then be turned into kindling with a hatchet. This saves something like £25. Time is something I have a fair bit of for now.

If you would have told me that I would be changing the cain on a chain saw when I lived in Surrey, I would not have believed you. The thermal cut out on the battery chain saw kicked in this afternoon. The chain was blunt. So, I stripped the saw back and fitted a new chain doing some maintenance cleaning at the same time. Then wearing my authentic Canadian lumberjack shirt, I got back to work. The planks sliced more easily and I estimate we now have 10 weeks of kindling.

Did you know there is a right way and a wrong way to fit a chainsaw chain?

This morning, we had 770 kg of propane delivered. That is about 17,500 moles or about 1 x 1028 molecules. That is a lot of molecules. It is around 11,000kWh. It is going to be expensive.

We have also had 2 cubic metres of logs delivered by a nice chap from the nearby town.

So, we have gathered enough winter fuel to see us to April. This might be our last winter here or it might not.

Next winter the wood we harvested after Tempest Ciaran should be ready to burn, so our fuel bill will be lower. We have about 10 cubic metres stored.

I am considering getting a tarpaulin and making a makeshift log store so that I can harvest some for winter 2026….

Gathering winter fuel…

Renunciation or Self-Sabotage?

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The human ability to kid oneself is well known though for those kidding, difficult to accept. At the moment there are many who deem the slaughter in Gaza justifiable and apt. They do not imagine any karmic consequences because that notion would be very inconvenient. Irrespective of how things are temporarily brought to a close, there will be consequences ongoing.

The normal idea of success in the “West” might be to have a good career, make progress, climb the housing ladder and perhaps have a relationship or marriage and thence to propagate the species. One might like a nice car and pleasant foreign holidays. Perhaps gaining some measure of societal kudos along the way. One would not sulkily throw one’s toys out of the cot; one would comply more or less to the norm. Psychology might point you in this direction.

If for example you are a bodhisattva called Siddartha Gautama, it would be OK to run out on a young wife and child, leave the palace of your father the King and renounce the kingdom to which you are heir. But for normal people this would be wrong.

Viewed from one angle this is an ungrateful act of wanton self-sabotage. Siddhartha shot himself in the foot and abandoned a pleasant life, one which many might aspire to. To the starving, the poor and the unshod this makes no sense. Yet according to legend this subsequently facilitated his teaching and his completion of the career goal of any bodhisattva, namely enlightenment and Buddhahood.

In the post previous I pointed at something that many would not understand. I shelved a high value job at a prestigious space agency. The successful completion of which could have opened the way for senior positions and a way back from the “wilderness”. We would have had plenty of cash.

There were a number of warning omens when we were viewing properties in and near Leiden. Retrospect suggests that the job was a temptation of sorts.

Earlier I walked out of a marriage with a very young child which caused the sale of a house in London now worth £ 1 million. I left a new age group which I gave heart and soul to establish. I “gave” my shares back to a start-up company the vision for which was to a fair extent mine. I quit a then tenured academic job at a top university, something to which many aspired. I had no other job lined up just a few training courses. One of these went pear shaped so I gave them up too. To move from a highly timetabled job into near nothing was a bit of a shock to the system. I resigned from another short lived university teaching post. I cut contact with my aged mother. I forwent relations with family.

None of these were easy. I am not a prince.

One could say that I am simply a loser who could not hack it.

One could say that these were acts of stepwise renunciation. The integral over micro-renunciations has a similar effect to sudden departure.

 Or one could call deem them all the INFJ door slam, a fault in my character.

What is it that seeks success? It is the self and not the Soul. In this logic renunciation is indeed an act of self-sabotage. The ambitions of the self are stymied in stepwise succession. I know that I can live without any of these accoutrements. If you like I have physical plane proof by experience. I am not bound by the fear of missing out on a normal successful life.

I could be kidding myself. Trying to find an excuse for my squandering of opportunity. Or maybe I have simply thrown my toys out of my cot because things did not go my way.

Nobody else has experienced these things like I did. Nobody else has felt the tearing, the ripping. I am alone in my moccasins which I may not loan to another.

People might have opinions.

I cannot return to the trajectory my life was once on. Any attempt has gone badly awry. The dramatic might say that I am not meant to. Or one could argue that it is the karma of wanton squandering. I made the bed and now I must sleep in it.

There remains one question concerning what if anything I do with the remainder of earthly sojourn.

Hmnn…

The Coypu Saga Continued…

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I extended a single strand electric fence over the most recently chewed hole and plugged in the HV.

I went out to inspect this morning…



The wire had been moved upwards and the support posts twisted consistent with an ingress attempt. The witness sticks around the pond had been moved so I assumed success.

Around 9pm CET time there is a movement to the left consistent with a shocked Coypu running off.

Around 4AM the camera is triggered but no Coypu recorded. You can see the wire twisted up. The blighter came back. It is probably hungry as the river is in flood so no access to bank and river bed food.

Just before dawn getting a hurry up shock on the way out.

It looks as though he is learning to take the risk for the reward.

I guess a shock to the nose is worse than to the back.

I will put two strands across the hole later today.

Recollections and Story

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Over the last few days, I have been having problems with my osteo-arthritis. I saw the physio on Monday and as a result had pain. I am not yet taking medication. I have arthritis in both hips and my lower spine. There is also arthritis in my cervical spine with two herniated discs and a narrowing of the spinal canal. There is pressure on my spinal cord and from time to time my fingers are symptomatic from the hernias. I am worn out and my movement is rigid and slightly spastic. I cannot stand for long times.

As such I have a growing empathy for the character Wotan Wagner in the Ragnarök series here pictured with Thor or ᚦᚢᚱ.

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Intellectually I know that one day I too may need a mobility scooter. It is a moot point whether or not I cark it before then. I don’t sense longevity in me.

I am due to have a catch up call over the internet in a few days’ time and it is occurring to me that it will be very difficult to explain, to tell the story of what happened to me in the interceding years. Which version do I give?

How might I turn my recollections into a credible story?

If I do not omit huge chunks, will I come across as bat-shit crazy?

There are some things which I do not believe that I can convey to anyone.

I am not being arrogant here; I am making an honest assessment of impossibility.

Only one person in the world has much of an idea. I have never strung it all together before. Which pointed me at a possible vanity project, an autobiography.

I have a recapitulation chart 1964-2007 upstairs which might help.

Because of the eternal now, I have poor recollection of physical plane events which might be the substance of a regular autobiography. I have annotations of meditations and dreams but without checking with my wife I would struggle to piece things back together in the mundane world.

I don’t really have a narrative, an operational legend per se.

If someone asked me, I have no idea how I might account for my life…in toto.

Weird…