Not long after I had my colon cancer operated on; I contacted a specialist in adult autism. I wanted to find out if I was autistic or had Asperger’s, albeit high functioning. The other day we watched Claire Taylor in a documentary called “Are You Autistic?” In that documentary a few people diagnosed with autism spoke of the phenomenon of “masking” in which they behaved in a manner so as to conceal their underlying autism. Said masking is tyring and can lead to burn out.  

I have a similar notion which is called chameleon. I can blend in, mimic and fit in for a while. I can be at home in a posh place like the Ritz or the Hotel New Otani in Tokyo. I can also go into a very rough dive / criminal pub and have a beer without fear.

One of the motivators behind my inquiry is/was the over-reaction to question and critique which I have experienced from the self diagnosed omniscient, pompous and self-important people over the years. Those equipped at birth with a penis are the worst at this over-reaction.

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Maybe they are just deeply insecure?

Maybe I have autism?

Maybe I simply fail to kowtow to socio-political order and the pecking-order held in mind?

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The specialist concerned, being a psychologist, wanted to know if my inquiry was about the cancer and dying. {See people make assumptions all the time!!} Because, I did not have enough witnesses about my pan-continental childhood and any extant parents, she was unable to complete the full diagnosis. She offered her opinion based on our conversation that I was not autistic. You could say it is/was moot. Either I am not autistic or I am damn good at masking. Place your bets.

It seems to me I keep coming across, mostly men, who react badly to me even if I am not challenging them. I could be delusional. There are a large number of observations where I don’t talk enough bullshit, pat backs and otherwise ritually sniff arseholes. Some how I am not laddie enough. It is so false and such a waste of time.

I have a hunch that I/we are in the fallout stage of one of these interactions. Face is very important so not a lot can be done.

One is not allowed to question deity and masculine medical deity in particular. It gets their hackles up.

Hey-ho…

I have started looking into alternative arrangements now…