Overnight I had a dream with multiple Japanese themes which prompted me to look at my passport to look again at the chronology of my visits to Japan. I had underestimated just how many times I had in fact visited. It is eight times!!

This time of year in 1995 I was in Japan. I took photos of people with Sakurai in the park when they asked me, a gaijin, so to do.

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It is no wonder that I felt Narita as much like home as Lusaka, Kenneth Kaunda International Airport.

I have been toying with this theme of “who in their right mind?” for quite a while.

In 1995 I flew to Japan to exhibit a prototype reflectance anisotropy spectrometer at a Japanese Physics Society meeting at Tohoku University. It was my first time with an interpreter. Because the prototype was rough and ready I attracted quite an audience of bored physics types. The idea was that this was an in situ metrology tool for atmospheric pressure semiconductor growth.

Who in their right mind would fly to the other side of the world to exhibit an instrument on a wing and a prayer?

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Japan Visits

26-03-1995  to 02-04-1995

11-03-1997 to 16-03-1997

24-03-1997 to 28-03-1997

22-07-1997 to 25-07-1997

04-11-1998 to 13-11-1998

05-12-2000 to 09-12-2000

22-05-2001 to 26-05-2001

23-07-2001 to 27-07-2001

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Later that year I became very ill having a mental breakdown. All my research grant applications were being knocked back. I think this was done at EPSRC grant committee by an Oxford big cheese prof with whom I had a number of run ins. I later got to review his grant applications in which were ideas very similar to the ones I had previously put forward. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and given initially Prozac and then MAOIs and the tricyclic Doxepin. Normally MAOIs were reserved for inpatient care because of the dietary requirements. Because I was vegan the psychiatrist took a risk that I would stick to diet. I had strong suicidal ideation to the point of detailed suicide planning.

To this day I cannot remember anything from 1996.

In March 1997 I went to Japan twice to visit Advantest in Sendai and Tokyo Electron Ltd.. The idea was to see if we could fit the Spectrometer to iii-v growth rigs in Sendai and a provisional view of plasma etch rig of Silicon Oxide at TEL.

Who in their right mind who do this?

I was very heavily medicated…

In 1997 I developed a working spectrometer complete with software control with Thomas Swann a semiconductor growth tool manufacturer. I wrote the manual. This was installed in Sendai at Advantest. I got no academic credit or financial gain from this. It did not help my career.

In late 1997 we went to Tokyo Electron in Yamanashi prefecture whilst I was still on the MAOIs and we pitched and gained £270,000 {cash} research contract to look at these oxide on Silicon wafers and build a machine. This was installed and tested in 1998.

Who in their right mind would try to take back up electronic circuit boards through airport security at Heathrow?

Who would try to source local power Field Effect Transistors in Japanese to retro fit when the ones we supplied blew?

By 1998 I was off the medication.

We got a £1,600,000 grant which had an EUV component and built an EUV prototype source in the basement of Chemistry at Imperial.

The department refused to put me forward for promotion…I was not recommended.

I prepared and we pitched a business plan for a laser start-up in 2000 a part of this was an EUV source.  This was the “sexy” upside to the pitch. The one that got the investors willing to take a punt.

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In 2000 I went to Semicon East as a newly funded founder and young academic. I approached the booths of Nikon and  Canon about EUV. I secured initial meetings with the Nikon EUV team and ongoing contacts with the Canon team. I made initial overtures to Gigaphoton who were potential competitors. We had contacted and were in contact with ASML. The Nikon guys and I had tea in the foyer of my Tokyo hotel.

Who in their right mind would try to do that from a standpoint of zero?

Either I had balls or I was a complete nut job. It is a long way to travel for potentially fuck all.

Later we went back with the newly appointed CEO. We met in 2001 Nikon, Canon and Gigaphoton. Unfortunately for a highly technical sale the CEO was a technical liability, a complete nightmare. Bullshit does not work when photon numbers and specifications are the deal clincher. I found  out that he had been swinging the lead and had been lying about how welcome he was in Japan. It is difficult to correct a CEO without completely discrediting. The guy from Canon later empathised with me over a cigarette outside. He understood the awkward position.

The weird thing is not once did anyone question my sanity…

I made a number of decisions including “giving my shares back” and resigning from a “tenured” academic position at a top university.

Who in their right mind would do such a thing?

Nobody questioned if I was bat shit crazy or of sound mind…nobody…

Which is a bit odd given that I had a history of mental illness…

I have a working idea that the illness was in part triggered by delayed post-traumatic stress disorder PTSD because of the crocodile and hippo incident in the Kafue river. I have a history of self-medication and reckless behaviour.

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One might call an entrepreneurial ideation reckless..

Who in their right mind would try to get £5,000,000 start-up funds?

Who in their right mind would fund someone to that tune?

Is there a thin line?

Where is the crossover point?