Tag: writing

Clearly, I Am the Problem – Neurodivergence

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

Over the years I have encountered many reactive and defensive behaviours in my interactions with people, mostly men. It seems to me that I do not do the ritual arse sniffing in the way they expect. Nor do I play the laddish itchy back game with enough ego stroking. The worse reactions are from men around 40. By the time they get to 60 they are past most of the BS. I do not piss up the wall of the urinal in the correct manner, apparently.

Clearly, given that I am the only common factor in all this, I am THE problem.

Chris Packham has been doing a TV series on neurodiversity in which he gets people who are diagnosed with various syndromes to do a short film to portray their experiences to their nearest and dearest. Most of the “weirdos” seem interesting to me and fairly high functioning. They are not boring.

The gist is that many feel/felt stress trying to fit and comply with the harsh societal expectations.

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No matter how hard they tried they did not fit well and the “diagnoses” gave them a handy explanation for why. It brought relief and sense-making.

My own experience working with the diagnosed is that the worse thing “normal” people can express towards them is impatience and huff. If people are impatient, it causes fear and upset. It leads to internalisation and makes any attempt at expression far worse and more dreaded. Impatience could be said to be an enemy of neurodiverse inclusion. Impatience is the start of a far from virtuous circle.

“You should not be like that. It ought to be easy. Huff!!”

This is the foundation stone of cruelty directed at the different and the stick used to marginalise them. May be they/we are not the problem. Maybe it is the self-righteous and self-important “normal” people. These people who are highly impatient and immediacy fixated.

I know by experimental measurement that I am not neurotypical. I have measured my brain waves using a fast Fourier transform electroencephalograph. Mine differ in that there is way lower neuronal activity which I can also further silence.

It would be impossible to convey my state of mind in a film. Because “normal” people cannot handle neuro-silence and their internal dialogue would start to chatter. If you cannot be quiet mentally you simply cannot get it.

Felix, the stray cat, is unwell. We think we are in the palliative care regime. When I go to feed him and Gandalf, he gets under my feet and rubs himself against my legs. I have to pick him up gently with my foot and “throw” him out of the way. He thinks this is an ace game. Because of my arthritis I am not steady on my legs and stopping and starting is difficult. One day I may stand on him in a painful way.

There is no way that I can explain to Felix that if he is hungry the best thing to do is to get out of my way. Food would arrive quicker and with no less certainty.

It is very difficult to convey how and in what way one might differ. It has to be experienced personally to be fully grasped. All the rest is extrapolation or intellectualisation.

Upcoming I am going to be looking to have my hips surgically replaced. Already I am thinking about how I might behave so as not to get a strange reaction from the surgeon. I will not fit his mental models and there will be a disconnect. Yet I have need of surgery.

How much will I have to act and conceal and hide so as not to be THE problem?

How much will I have to reel myself in?

Memories – Alzheimer’s – Still Alice

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

The other night we watched a film “Still Alice” the purpose of which was to get the viewers to empathise with the Columbia University professor Alice who develops early onset Alzheimer’s disease. It portrayed the impact on her and her family as she lost cognitive function and recall. There was no CGI, sex or violence in the film and it was engaging, well written and well-acted. A nice change from the glitzy, violent and insubstantial. It was a bit sentimental drawing on the American idealism of family and career. It showed how when someone devotes all life to career it can be taken away. Where value is placed can be fragile.

It is pretty easy to prematurely self-diagnose Alzheimer’s as one moves towards dotage. In our case the need for linguistic engagement outside of our proximal relationship is minimal. One could say that I am out of practice talking shite.

Modern psychology is very normative in its approach and there are a series of behavioural norms which, if there is divergence from, evokes a label of illness or syndrome. I don’t know where the set of societal norms are garnered from, what the statistical evidence is or whether the ultimate arbiter of “they” decrees what is normal. I don’t know who drew up and populated the Venn diagrams.

In the film there was mention of “memory makes us who we are”, there was thumbing of family photo albums and old holiday film footage was played in the narrative.

Human perception is never 100% objective and any recall of past events is subject to selective perception and selective memory. Humans are biased. We have selective recall. The memories, the bedrock upon which we build our re-collection of life are not entirely sound. In the film the protagonist identified as a clever university professor. That identity was removed when she started to lecture poorly. Her entire personal legend fell into question. The film suggested she suffered during this process, trying to cling on to her faculties and her legend.

A saccharin rose-tinted view of the past is perhaps the tearful key to enjoy the twilight years according to many. Looking back wistfully sustains as incapacity and incontinence sets in. Our past “glories” provide a nice warm feeling which is not a leaking catheter. The ability to live partially in the past is seen good as the quantity of future available fades.

I am certain that how I hold memories of the past differs from many because I have recapitulated my life numerous times and worked hard at erasing my personal history {not in a browser}. I’ll speculate that were a psychologist to investigate my recall of life memory they might note a difference to norm.

I am not beholden to past nor do I cling on to it. Nevertheless, it has a causal relationship in how I interact in the now. I have a decent scientific training and could, if pushed, sustain a scientific conversation or persona.

One could argue that I have forgotten who or what I once was and have morphed into an anti-social bumpkin. Look how far he has sunken! What a fall from intellectual grace! How sad, what a shame!

But that would be facile.

This addiction to creating “memories” or “Insta-stories” is counterproductive to the pursuit of liberation. The concretising enhances the urge for rebirth. The constant re-telling of “family means everything” is often a lie and something we are encouraged to provide in our PR stories for public consumption. There is a big illusion concerning “family”. To err from ideal is seen as bad even when the ideal itself is an illusory construct. We are complicit in the propagation and recounting of this illusion.

This means that although I can appear approximately normal, the underlying psyche in my case differs markedly in that a shared basis is not there. I do not think the way I am “supposed” to.

About a decade ago I had cause to re-learn university level physical chemistry. It took a while. I had big difficulty because some of the so-called proofs which I once accepted without question no longer seemed adequate to me. They seemed short-cut. Yet thousands of undergraduates receive degrees every year by correctly reproducing them and applying them mathematically to exercises generated by faculty. I have no doubt in the physical applicability of much science, because we can build rockets that work. I am not entirely convinced that the methodology is as perfect as we imagine and profess. There may be some element of kidding of self along the way.

Maybe I have lost my science ability, my science faculties.

The film touched briefly on the notion of identity, or self, and hence self-perception. Something which Alzheimer’s gradually erases, if I understand correctly. In some ways my notions of self are gone already even though I maintain some cognitive function and have near zero resident social-event memory. There is nothing which I cling to and not very much which keeps me here, incarnate, on earth.

This notion of self, seen as good, is also behind war and conflict. The gist of the film was that maintaining the sense of self and still being the same person underneath despite all the loss of function and memory was a good thing. I am still…despite…

I am not sure that it is, from the point of view of liberation. Karmically if you place a lot of stock in intellect and its application, then to have it withdrawn is a major challenge. One which could set you up well for the next life. Sometimes our worst fears manifest and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Our challenges at end of life can be the most profound and the most enabling for our onward evolution.

In the end, for all of us, our current notion of self must dissolve and pass whether quickly or otherwise.

Self is impermanent.

Messaging Assumption and Miscommunication

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

Postulate.

The human ability to get entirely the wrong of the stick is close to infinite.

Herein lies the mystery of perception, bias and multiple failures in communication both as a purveyor and acceptor. People may not be aware that they are, whether consciously or not, sending messages which others are receiving and perceiving and assimilating.

I suspect that because I am largely silent and can be not expressive, people tend to imagine that I am judging and being critical. They may expect some verbal response / discussion / mutual bullshitting when talking and when none is forthcoming, they can get unnerved. The feedback mechanism is missing. They expect chit-chat. In the absence they can confer multiple meanings which simply are not there.

People can read all sorts of shit into things. They may imagine I am sending a message when I am not. People might read this blog and imagine that I am messaging them directly.

The likelihood of miscommunication in the context of different cultures and frames of refence is enhanced. People may imagine that their customs are transferable. The French attitude of laissez-faire can be interpreted as complete indifference, fence sitting and not giving a shit, disinterest. It can be read, “that person can’t be arsed, sod ’em, they are not serious. Let’s move on to someone who has a point of view or opinion.”

In trying not to impinge a different message can be received. “Waste of time.”

I’ll assume with a high confidence integral that many people have made hugely erroneous assumptions over the years as to my motivations, what I am thinking and where I am coming from. This {my} assumption is based upon my interpretations of their behaviours and could be invalid. There may be transference of their ways of thinking and prejudices onto me.

There are certain types of people who like to argue the toss and “win” arguments / debates. They like to “score” points.

If someone like this expresses a point of view and one does not counter it, remaining silent even. They can assume agreement and/or victory. The lucky recipient of opinion may disagree totally but cannot be arsed to verbalise. Agreement can be assumed and the illusion of being right /accurate taken from the non-intervention.

Many introverts cannot be bothered to do the thinking for gobby extroverts. It is not important to them nor is share of air time or limelight kudos. The introverts can be disinterested in interaction.

I am reasonably confident that I have by accident, thrown a spanner into the works, with my interactions with the French medical profession. I have not behaved in the manner to which they are accustomed and they have not had the skill or experience to handle it. There has a result been extensive miscommunication and they have made assumptions about what might transpire, what I understand and how I perceive them. It can be very hierarchical. Most medics have not interacted as I have. My need to chat and discuss is vanishingly small when viewed from the angle of French customs. If I want to find out my first port of call is research which I will do thoroughly.

Once miscommunication has gone beyond a certain point the situation becomes very difficult if not impossible to salvage. This is because face and pride have now come into play and dominate, often unilaterally, subsequent interpersonal dynamics.

Postulate

The human notion of face and implicit loss of face is one of the most expensive bits of human folly in terms of relationships and loss of human life.

Face in this context is illusion, a socio-political construct which sells gossip magazines, tabloid newspapers and underpins the scripts of television soap operas.

“Face” lies aback assumption and miscommunication. People get offended, an emotional overaction, if things do not comply with assumption and social expectation. People can assume that the {their} worldview is common and that everyone holds similar prejudices to them.

Once people have gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick the tendency is to grasp this ever more tightly. Mis-perceptions and mis-assimilations of reality are more concrete and fixed than one might imagine.

There is no better demonstration of miscommunication than the game of “Chinese whispers”. Yet surprisingly, given this knowledge, the faceless and ubiquitous “they” are somehow the font of all truth and knowledge….

There is not a lot you can do or say which is contrary to the omniscience of “they”. No matter how well you communicate it, it cannot be perceived accurately because “they” dogmatically forbid it.

The wrong end of the stick beckons with the gravitational pull of a supermassive black hole…

Entrepreneur – Consciousness Studies – Dream 16-04-2025

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

Here is this morning’s dream had between 3 and 6 AM.

The dream starts in a non-chain coffee shop similar to one I once went to in San Jose. It has a Berkley – San Francisco feel. There is wooden panelling and stools up to an island style table. They are the same height as lab stools but out of wood with an inbuilt orange-red “cushion”. I am with a young man {~40} who is very excited and energised. He is dressed smartly and known to me though I cannot see who he is. We are to meet an acquaintance of his who is some relatively big shot tech entrepreneur. He is wealthy and now investing.

A man comes in with a small entourage. He is wearing a dark suit with unruly black hair. His shirt is unbuttoned. He spies my companion across the room and motions for his entourage to be seated. He comes over. My companion gets up and they great each other profusely as “bros” in a transatlantic accent. The entrepreneur is also in his 40s. He sits on a stool opposite me and has the air of someone in a rush used to not wasting time.

My companion introduces me as the ex-academic mystic he has been talking about. The entrepreneur is setting up some kind of endeavour looking into consciousness studies. He asks me how I got involved. I explain that my first formal introduction into meditation was during Kyokushin Karate training and the zen meditation therein. I demonstrate a brief series of karate style chudan-ski punches. I explain that I looked into shamanism. And that later I did some very pioneering meditation.

The man decides that he wants me “on board”. I know in the dream beyond any doubt that he has not the faintest idea what he is letting himself in for nor what I am capable of. He has no clue what I am. He is completely unaware of his ignorance and full of bluster.

The scene changes and I am now in a red brick UK mansion in an upper floor large room. The entrepreneur is sat there with some of the people he has gathered. I am there too, near a large sash window. I am standing. A part of the motivation of the entrepreneur is to understand his father, his meditation and what has happened to him after death.

I look out onto the lawn and sat there cross legged is a large white man with a complelety bald head and a massive ZZ top beard. He is meditating in the light rain, his hands in mudras in his lap. The sun is behind him and I can see at the far end of the lawn a faint rainbow lit up in the rain. The man on the lawn and I know each other well. We go way back, lifetimes.

The dream ends.

Cataclysm in the Blue Books Opus

~ quantumdreamer ~ Leave a comment

It is raining here today…

If you search for the key word cataclysm in the blue books opus it occurs many times. Most often it is associated with the cataclysmic events of the 1914-1945 war. These days we can see Gaza being wiped off the map and the brutal one sided destruction of infrastructure and people. Isn’t this what a bully does? If you listen to Al Jazeera news there is much less sanitization.

Personally, I am surprised that the “West” is turning a blind eye to this brutality.

From time to time, I watch the excellent series “The World at War”. The fire bombing and obliteration of cities is documented pictorially therein. My uncle had black and white photos of Nagasaki post explosion. War started to get normalised by the night vision imagery of cruise missiles hitting Baghdad. It is like gaming on a PC, someone in a faraway land steers a missile or drone, on explosion the video feed is lost. There may be cheering and slapping of backs. People don’t see war in smell-o-vision. The maimed and wounded are hailed as heroes in Paralympics. Ukraine, if it survives, will have a good/big team for the next Olympics. War is glorified. Rich old men send poorer young men and women to die, kill, maim and be maimed. It is OK to kill Muslims because they don’t count.

Many people through lack of proof do not believe in the tales of Atlantis. If I said I have memories of there, nobody would believe me. The metaphor is apt. A fresh start needed. The Tibetan suggests there are prophecies of a fiery end to our current societal way. The broom of the Father sweeping the floor, to make way for the son and the new. A new kind of humanity coming into incarnation in the New Age. He doesn’t talk about woke or wellness, there is no patchouli. There are no vagina scented candles or influencers…

The stray cats have been sitting 70 cm from my feet.

Felix, the black and white, is not impressed with either the rain or humanity.

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That embodiment is one mode in which divine intervention can take place. The Prince of Peace will lead His people – through war – to peace. Those who think only in terms of peace as they understand it and desire it are apt to forget the Biblical implication that the Prince of Peace takes a definite part in the battle of Armageddon (now in full progress). After achieving victory, He will then lead His triumphant cohorts through the gates into “Jerusalem,” the city of peace. The symbolic and practical significance of this is becoming increasingly apparent. This notable event can and will take place when the free will of the people, blended by invocation and prayer, can make this possible.

Divine intervention could also take the form of a cataclysmic happening which would bring aggression to an end through destruction. It would probably be at such a cost of human life that there is definite hesitation over employing it by the custodians of natural law and the workers who understand divine purpose, apart from the fact that humanity has now reached the point in evolution where the expression of human free will is definitely possible. The use of cataclysm was the method employed in Atlantean days, as you well know from the tales of the flood, and through the flood there was almost complete destruction of the civilization of that time. It is hoped that such a drastic step will not be needed today, though there are ancient prophecies which foretell the possibility of the destruction of this world at this time through fire – instead of flood. Which of the two methods – divine embodiment and natural cataclysm – will be employed will really be decided by humanity through its use or non-use of free will and understanding. If humanity fails to unite under the banner of the Forces of Light against the forces of material aggression and selfishness, then the “fiery ordeal” might be unavoidable.

There are also sleeping hosts which may be evoked for the aiding of the spiritual forces, and certain ancient prophecies hint at these, but as we study the new Invocation phrase by phrase, I may be able to make this matter clearer, for there are several significances and meanings behind each phrase. The one thing I seek to make clear in these opening remarks is that natural law, free will, and karma are becoming increasingly related and are all aspects of one great law, embodying divine purpose – a purpose which must work out through the medium of humanity itself if the present opportunity is to be met correctly and in line with divine purpose.

The Externalization of the Hierarchy – Section II – The General World Picture.

 Published in 1957

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With the mantrams affecting the elementals of fire there is naught to be said or imparted. They are, in many ways, the most dangerous and the most powerful of the elementals who attend to the earth economy. For one thing, they far outnumber all the other elementals, and are found on every plane from the highest to the lowest. The elementals of water or earth are found only in certain localities or spheres in the solar system, whilst the next most numerous elementals are those of air.

Mantrams calling them, controlling and dismissing them, were in common use among the Atlanteans. The dangers aroused, and the menace stalking the land through the indiscriminate use of elementals, so disturbed the accurate working of the logoic plans, and so displeased the Guides of the race that the knowledge was withdrawn. The Atlantean root race passed away through disasters by water, by floods, by submerging; when you remember that water is the natural enemy of fire, and that the two groups of elementals have no point of at-one-ment at this stage, you may be able to understand an interesting point about the Atlantean cataclysms.

Mantrams calling the fire devas are equally well guarded, not only because of the dangers involved but because of the obstructions in time that are caused when these devas are heedlessly called and held by mantric charm from pursuing their necessary vocations. Under these two groups of mantric forms will be found many lesser groups which work specifically with different bands of elementals and devas.

We have here enumerated six groups of mantrams connected with fire. There are still a few more which I might briefly enumerate.

  • Purificatory mantrams that awaken a fire that purifies, and burns on one of the three lower planes. This is effected through the activity of elementals, controlled by fire devas, and under the direct guidance of an initiate or disciple for some specific purificatory end. The end may be to cleanse some one of the bodies or to purify a locality, a house or a temple.
  • Mantrams that call down fire for the magnetization of talismans, of stones and of sacred spots.
  • Mantrams that bring about healing through the occult use of flame.

The mantrams used:

  1. By the Manu, in manipulating that which is necessary in the moving of continents, and the submerging of lands.
  2. By the Bodhisattva, in stimulating the inner flame in each human being.
  3. By the Mahachohan, in His work with the intelligence, or the fifth principle.

All these mantric forms and many others exist… The first step towards the attainment of these mantrams is the acquirement of the faculty of occult meditation, for it is not the sounding of the words alone that bring about the desired end but the mental concentration that visualizes the results to be attained. This must be accompanied by the will that causes those results to be dominated by the one who chants the sounds. These mantric forms are dangerous and useless apart from the concentrated mental equilibrium of the man, and his power to control and vitalize.

Letters on Occult Meditation – Letter VI – The Use of Form in Meditation.

Published in 1922.

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This Ray of Ceremonial Magic will consequently have a very profound effect upon the physical plane, for not only is this plane coming under its cyclic force but at all times its planetary Logos has a special effect upon it; the Raja-Lord of this plane is what is occultly termed the “Reflection in the Water of Chaos” of the planetary Logos. Hence in the matter of this plane (which is the body of the Raja-Lord) certain very definite events are occurring which – though invisible to the ordinary man – are apparent to the eye of the spiritual man or adept.

The matter of the plane becomes receptive to positive force for the feminine or deva aspect, being negative, becomes responsive to the positive energy of the Heavenly Man. This energy, finding the line of least resistance, pours into the substance of the plane, or the substantial body of the Deva Lords. Owing to the receptive condition of this body it follows certain lines and produces definitely constructive results.

Constructive results transpire in the negative etheric matter of the plane and on the four higher subplanes. On the lower three a contrary effect is produced, and the energy of the Heavenly Man will lead to the destruction of form, preparatory to the building work. The building ever originates on, and proceeds from, etheric levels. Cataclysms of a world wide nature will occur during the next one thousand years; continents will be shaken; lands will be raised and submerged, culminating in the profound material disaster which will overtake the world towards the close of the fourth branch race of the sixth subrace. This will usher in the infant sixth root-race.

 A Treatise on Cosmic Fire – Section Two – Div. B – Manas as a Cosmic, Systemic and Human Factor.

Published in 1951

Dreaming and Intuition are they linked?

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In terms of MBTI, I have a clear INFJ preference. I have very high scores for N intuition and J judging. This means that I am a bit of time freak, I like to be early and get things done well before any deadline. It has come as a shock to some that I am very introverted.

My dominant function is introverted intuition, which means that few get to see what goes on internally. Occasionally people are very surprised at what pops out. I have some skill in envisioning, so called big picture thinking, but pictures are generally 2d so that description is limited.

Intuition comes in various degrees from knowing the next number in a number sequence puzzle to having a profound insight into the psyche or soul of others based on little “evidence”. The first case of intuition here is an extension of logic. The second is an unexplainable knowing.

 Intuition can be re-written inner-tuition.

Where a kind of learning happens as if by magic. If I cannot solve a problem, I leave it to my background processors intentionally and then a few days later a solution or a new way of thinking comes into mind, ta-da!

Dreaming, passive dreaming at night, does not come from outside. So, we could call this internal process, intuition, particularly if insights arrive in a dream. Dreaming is a subset of intuition.  

I personally trust my intuition and dreams more than what is said in overt and verbal conversation or even text. If there is divergence, I trust my inner-tuition over what is presented or spun. Being introverted I don’t let on.

In esoteric psychology some dreams can be termed “dramatizations of the soul” in which the soul is trying to assist the mundane being. You can’t get more inner inner-tuition than that.

Statistically INFJ is the least common personality type. If you know one hundred people then only one of them is INFJ. {Of course, INFJs cluster in certain professions}. Many of us report problems fitting in with society and the square peg in a round hole is a depiction of the INFJ. There are lots of different visualisations of INFJ because INFJs often like metaphor and allegory.

Because INFJs are interested in things like psychology, then it follows that many may have an interest in passive nocturnal and active lucid dreaming.

Some dreams are internal dialogue and daily angst carried into sleep. I’ll suggest that at certain depths dreaming is a form of inner-tuition or intuition. There are similarities to heightened meditative states and conscious nocturnal dreaming.

The trick is learning how to remember your dreams and transfer them into the so-called waking “reality” of life quotidian.

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Not With a Bargepole

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I recently began a foray into using LinkedIn with a view to getting some scientific English editing work. The “try for free” premium services made it difficult to cancel without paying after the first month. This is a part of a “stealth” subscription model which is internet wide. I personally don’t like it. By mistake I paid one month. It is a bit sneaky. Alongside WordPress is forever suggesting purchase of add-ons and upgrades. It is a sign of the times and being an old fart I am not happy with it. This hard-sell is ubiquitous. My pet hate is airlines who offer a low price ticket only to charge you for luggage and seat reservation meaning the headline ticket price is a smokescreen. I can remember on BOAC getting food served in economy on a china plate and having my unaccompanied minors flight miles log signed by the captain using a fountain pen. I had 150,000 airmiles by the time I was 13!

The good old days are no longer here.

Seems everyone one is ultra cautious about who they are seen to associate with in public on the internet on things like LinkedIn. A fair percentage of my invitations to join my network have been turned down. My leper’s bell can clearly be heard in some quarters. People whose career was aided and even jump started by their interactions with me do not want to network with me now I am no longer any use to them. I don’t add kudos. It makes you wonder how real the interactions were in the first place all those years ago. They don’t want to associate with me, not even with a bargepole.  

I have learned a few things one of which is the strength of feeling in the Israeli community concerning the rise of antisemitism. I guessed the concern was there but to see it first hand is interesting and educational.

I have also learned that you can get various forms of personal services from coaching, through security experts, dream trainers, shamanic soul recovery right the way through to cartomancy and exorcism. I had thought LinkedIn was just for conservative business. My assumptions were wrong.

A lot of people are pushing services. Logic says that the quality must be variable, many perhaps are over hyped.

Some of my posts on quantum computing etc. get several hundred reads. I have toyed with idea of launching “Man in His Shed PLC” or “Homme dans son grenier SARL”.

I get more reads on LinkedIn than on any of the other blogs I have written.

At the moment it looks like my time on LinkedIn is limited and I am getting the urge to pull the account and vanish in a puff of smoke. I joined it with a burner email address so that I had an exit if needed.

It looks as though the science editing thing is a no-go perhaps due to AI and Skynet…

I need a plan b, it seems…

hmnn